for sarah

It's taken me a few weeks to gather my thoughts on what happened, when we received the sudden news that my sister was gravely sick. 
In less than 24hrs, we went from thinking that my sister Sarah, had acute pneumonia, to being told that she wasn't going to "make it" through the night, to being told that she had a very aggressive form of cancer. 
When we got this news, Winslow and I scrambled to get me a  flight out to Edmonton to see her. My sister and Dad found flights from Ottawa.  We didn't know if we'd make it in time. 
Upon getting there, we found her in such a scary state. In ICU she was hooked up to so many things, and we were truly scared for her (although tried so hard to hide it). 
I could only stay for 4 days to see her. It was painful to say goodbye, but I left with some peace of mind, knowing that we had time on our hands ... but just how much, we weren't exactly sure.
After 4 weeks of intensive treatment for Sarah, she received the good news that the chemo was working, and that the long term prognosis is good! It's going to be a long and hard road for her, with her treatment lasting at least 2 years, and follow up after that, but she has a second chance, and that is all that we can ask for! She is one of the strongest people I know. She has always had  a strong and determined mind, and I am certain that this is what is helping her fight this beast. 
Lately, I've been walking through my days, with an overly heightened sense of wanting to be present. While I've always considered myself to be a fairly present and grateful person, this experience has had me want to slow down and be in the now even more than ever. I feel like I owe it to Sarah, to truly feel the sun on my face, to smell those lilacs that are growing in my back yard, to make witness to my kids, friends, husband when they ask for me. 
My senses feel heightened, I want to take it in ... but I don't feel the pressure that I used to take it ALL in. I truly am enjoying this newfound permission to move slowly. Camera in hand, all expectations off, and taking in this glorious life (and that means all of it- the good and ugly) that has been gifted to me

life lately .. challenges, family, health

Full disclaimer since my last post, I did not succeed at my internet cleanse. I didn't even make it through a day. I'm not sure what to say ... for now, I am giving it a "get out of jail free" card. Things I am doing: cutting back on Facebook. Listening to more podcasts. Working on tasks around the house. I also found a show to watch (which I found very difficult to do for this unfocussed mama).  I hope that as the weather improves, I will be spending more and more time outside, and less inside. For me, the biggest thing is mindless wandering on social media. I want and need to be more mindful and purposeful with my time. 

Speaking of time outdoors, we are taking up the March challenge of being intentional with spending time outdoors (the challenge is from The Slow Home Podcast). After recently listening to their podcast about this outdoor challenge, I just knew that this is something that we have being missing in a great way, from our lives. 
I'm not sure how, why or when I let this priority go to the bottom of the list, but I know that our bodies, minds and souls are missing the benefits of being outdoors. Perhaps it was the busyness of after school activities, or just pure laziness, it reall
I have plans to find some new hikes and trails - things can get monotonous when we do the same trail over and over again. I'm looking at ways of getting the kids outdoors - fairy houses, parks, picnics. 
If you are interested in this challenge, I highly recommend listening to the Slow Home Podcast. It really is a lovely little show- regardless of whether you want to follow the challenge or not.

y doesn't matter. The point is that I let this priority go, but I am taking the steps to get us back outdoors.

And onto another challenge, Winslow and I have made a pact to start eating clean. We looked around at all the diets out there, and there are many. Vegan, vegetarian, keto, paleo .... and for us, we know what will and won't work. For years (10plus), I was vegetarian, and as much as I tried to get my protein intake-it wreaked havoc on my body and depleted me of nutrients that I know I best get from a diet with animal protein. So while I love the idea of being vegetarian for so many reasons, it just doesn't work well for me. 
I feel that for the most part, we eat well and healthy, but we do have our weaknesses, and unfortunately, we've let these weaknesses take over. For me, it's sugar sugar sugar. It's baked goods, muffins, treats. For hubby- although it's not exactly mine to share- he loves white carbs, and lot's of them. So there it is. Our weaknesses are out on the line. 
For us, clean eating is the most realistic and attainable diet out there. Instead of denying ourselves of things that we love, we are just choosing the most natural and clean version of it. I'll keep you posted on how it goes, and how I hope to get my kids off processed foods too.

Recently we made a last minute trip to Ottawa, to say farewell to Winslow's Grandmother- Lola. 
It was so important and nice for us to be there, so that we could pay our respects and honour her. Lola will always be remembered as being someone who cared deeply for her family. She was a woman of great faith, and I have no doubt, that she has moved on to a very peaceful place, with her loved ones that had gone before her. We will always miss and love you Lola. 

(Inang holding baby Katia, Lola on the right)

walking is good

Over the years, my walks have taken on different purposes in my life. When I was a brand new mama with baby Noah, I remember pushing him for hours in our state of the art stroller, so that I could get him to sleep. I'd walk all over Hamilton. The top of the mountain where we lived, or I'd drive down to the waterfront and take a long walk there.
When we moved to Whitehorse, I remember reluctantly walking the trails behind our house. Always fearful of a bear encounter (never had one). We then moved to a different community in Whitehorse, where I felt braver to walk the trails. I remember enjoying those walks, looking for eagles and cranberries along the way.
When we moved to Beaver Creek, my walks became my only escape during my days. Ryder made me feel more safe about walking the trails. We'd often look for fairy houses, mushrooms and of course, cranberries. I remember feeling that the only way I could push through some of those hard days, was to get out and walk.
It wasn't until this past fall, that I discovered this set of trails not far from our home. On my second or third visit (the kids were with me), we witnessed a beautiful Barred Owl, land right above us in the tall pines. It was magical.
It wasn't long before I claimed these trails as mine (although I know others use it too). I feel so so so fortunate to have this bit of nature right at my door step.
More and more, I am discovering that my walks in the woods are really important to me for a whole host of reasons. They help me clear my mind. Help me to detach from distractions. My walks get me moving, exercising. They help me, in my search for quiet, and help me to slow down and just be present. Being surrounded by nature is very therapeutic, and I am finding that it is very important that I carve out the time in my week for a good long walk.

quiet

I've been spending some time lately, trying to take stock of where I am in my life. The new year does this. It makes me want to look back, to see where I've been, and to look forward to what might be.
Yesterday, I took a nice long walk through the woods with a sleeping Wesley attached to me, and Ryder who was bounding off down the trail. My goal on that walk was to get some fresh air and sun, but also to come to a decision on what my word for 2017 would be.
For the last two years, I have chosen a word to help guide me through my year. A word that would provide inspiration, a push, some support.
For my first year (2015), I chose the word PEACE. I remember I was having a very hard time while I was living in Beaver Creek. I desperately needed to find inner peace with myself and within my heart. That word was almost like a plea with myself. It was so appropriate.
Last year (2016), I chose the word ADVENTURE .... what an ambitious word for a mama with a newborn and two older busy children! I think that I chose the word adventure, to give me the motivation to get out there and just do it. I was truly scared that with 3 children, I would just end up hiding away all the time, and would chose the easy way out. I think I wanted to challenge myself... and I also just wanted to explore our new province. So yes, perhaps "adventure" was a bit ambitious for me, but I'm happy that it pushed me to take my kids hiking, to the beach, out for ice cream just because, to make bonfires on the beach, and to look at sometimes daunting tasks in a positive light.
This year, after meditating on it, I have come to my word for the year. This word was chosen out of need and reflection of where I am in my current role as a caregiver/mama. My word for 2017 is QUIET.
Right now, I'll be honest, my life feels a bit chaotic and, well, loud. I often find myself asking the kids to lower their voices, turn down the TV, or I find myself seeking refuge in silence. For some reason, I find myself very sensitive to noise. The TV, the radio, the crying, the yelling, the fighting, the pots being clanged by Wes. It's overly loud, all the time.
When I take a moment to turn down the radio, get the kids to find a quiet activity, or I finally get the overly tired/crying baby down for a nap, I can just feel the tension start to dissolve, and it's such a relief.
But not only am I seeking quiet in the literal and obvious way, I am also seeking to find quiet in my mind and heart. While I was out on my walk, I came to the conclusion, that my walks in the woods, truly are my way of meditating, and how I just need that time to allow my mind to be quiet (away from demands, away from technology, away from responsibilities). My mind needs time and space to just be, and my heart needs that too.
My word this year is truly an inward word. One that reflects and acknowledges my present day needs. Last year's word was a push to get out there. It was almost an affirmation, telling me that I could do it. This year, I am looking to take care of my needs, in recognition that I can't help anyone else, if I don't take care of myself too.
xox