simple meditations

I used to worry so much about mixing my personal photography work and my heavily stylized client work in the same medium. I thought clients wouldn't want to see my personal work. That it was too real. Too personal. So I kept them separate for a very long time.

My friend Leanne used to tell me (and still does), that her favourite work of mine, is the every day shots that I take. The ones that tell my story. I always agreed with her, yet still, my personal work stayed more private - I was never confident enough to show it in photography groups or on my social media pages.

This summer at Land and See, one of the photographers I was most excited to see was Joni Burtt. She is a fantastic documentary style photographer from just outside Fredericton NB. While she does do client work (families), she primarily photographs her own family- and her work blows my mind away. It's beautiful. One of the many things that I took away from her talk was that she does marry her client work and personal work together. And there is a demand/desire to see her personal work- it is so captivating.

So this summer, and moving forward - I have given myself complete permission to share my personal work on many platforms. I admit, it makes me nervous to put my personal work out there, because this is the stuff that means something to me, but at the same time- that is the point- this work means something to me, and I want to share it with others... because I have put love into it.

I call these simple meditations, because I find the act of picking up my camera and capturing a very brief but important moment, very meditative. I find there is a release of stress and rushing about, when I slow down and take an intentional image. It forces me to stop with whatever I'm doing, and to see things, to see the people right in front of me. 

Here is a sampling of my work from this summer.

xox

one year later

It's the thick of the summer. I've been at home with all three kids, non stop, with very little in the ways of help/breaks, and while this might sound like the perfect recipe for a mama going mad, here I am doing pretty well.

Last year, things weren't quite so even keel. I found myself often panicked. I found myself on edge/angry/nervous... pretty much all the time. When Winslow would have to leave for long days of work, or go out of town for work- I would spiral into a mess of anxiety and depression, immediately worried about how we would get through the minutes/hours/days.


I would busy myself, packing our days full, just so that I would have a plan. The thought of not having a plan freaked me out. Down time scared me. I'm not sure why. I think I just thought the days would crawl by if I didn't plan them out. I was scared of the slowness of time.


Looking back, I can definitely see that this was anxiety/depression. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to talk to someone, and I did. That helped a bit. I also decided to stop drinking, as I know that alcohol doesn't help me with my anxiety/depression, it deepens it.


Another thing I did was kick a very toxic friendship to the curb. I had kept this so called friend around, telling myself, I'd be so lonely without her - truth is, I never felt so alone/low/down on myself as when I was with her. I have since come to recognize and listen to that voice inside of me that tells me when someone is worthy of my friendship or not. My anxiety and depression at the time, had made it very hard to know what I was worthy of.

Other tools that I started to pack into my tool box: social media breaks, more Podcasts, picking up my camera and documenting my life - I find this very therapeutic and meditative.


So here I am this summer, feeling so much more calm and ok with long stretches with my kids, and less action packed days. This summer has been one of down time. Yes there have been little day trips and beaches, a few visitors and some camping, but there have also been afternoons of lego, playdates, TV and that's ok! I'm not stressing. I'm yelling less. I'm not in a state of rushing/busyness. It's nice.


I'm not saying that my depression/anxiety is gone forever, but right now, I have seen huge improvements, and the improvements have been made by me. I think there's something important about finding the answers, about searching for solutions, about mapping out your own life. Before, I would have described myself and my life as lost, lonely, out of control, hard. Now I see myself having ownership and responsibility over my own happiness and well being. Such a huge fucking difference. 

this christmas ...

This Christmas I am ...

~ letting go of past hurt
~ only doing the things, traditions, activities that I want to do
~ taking care of myself
~ letting go of perfection
~ embracing the moment
~ not stressing about getting it all done
~ taking time to enjoy our decorations
~ sipping lots of Christmas herbal tea
~ making time to see friends
~ not stressing about having a clean house
~ loving on my family

little bits and pieces

You know that feeling you get right around mid August?
Summer is still alive and well, and you know you ought to take advantage of it, but secretly deep down in your heart, you are ready to slow it down a bit.
This summer has been a strange one to me. It has sped by at an alarming rate, and part of me wonders where it all went. I sort of feel like we've been going and going, but I'm not exactly sure what we've done or accomplished. Its been busy, and we've done a lot. I'm not ready for summer to be done, but I feel that change in the air ... it's coming.
July brought us a camping trip to Cape Breton, a week of day camp for the kids, trips to Queensland Beach, Annapolis Royal and our 10 year wedding anniversary.
In August so far, we have had Amy+Anthony+family visit, as well as my sister, niece and nephew.
It's been busy, it feels busy, but I also know there have been little moments too. Moments worth remembering. Things like swinging on the swing Winslow made. Searching for sea glass. Walks on the beach with my girl. Meals on the back deck. And ice cream ... boy has there been ice cream.

...

This past summer has also been one of growing for me. A few weeks ago, I came to a point in a relationship with a friend, where I knew that I had to call things off. It had been a while coming. Multiple incidents had lead me to feel used, unappreciated and unvalued. I had to be honest. I had to stand up for myself. It was hard, but I am so proud of myself for doing it.
And since doing it, I have found a new sense of worth in myself. I have come to see that I need not internalize other people's behaviour and actions. That I don't need to sit there quietly and accept things as they are. That I must be my own friend first, set boundaries and that it is ok and necessary to put myself first.

A few other things that I have come to realize.

~ the term "friend" should not be thrown around lightly. A real friend is someone you can trust, rely on, and who will be there no matter what. I have some amazing friends in my life. These people know who they are, and I know who they are. They come with no strings attached. They love me for me, and I love them for them. It is simple. It is not complicated. It is real.

~ I am trying so damn hard to stay away from Facebook. I have come to the realization that Facebook makes me very unhappy. That the constant feed of people's opinions, news, updates ect, is addicting and negative. I am taking a break. It is hard. By habit (when I am nursing, or getting Wes down for a nap), I like to browse Facebook. But I am recognizing that I am addicted to it. That I mindlessly scroll through it, spending hours a day, comparing, analyzing, and internalizing other people's lives. It's just not good, and I am done for a while.

~ Self care. This is a word I have used before, but I have come to a point where I feel it is so absolutely necessary. I am about to be on my own with the kids for 2 weeks, while Winslow goes to Labrador for work. As a proactive measure, I booked in a babysitter to come 3 times, for a total of 6 hrs. During those times, I have decided that I will do things that serve myself. I will go to my favourite coffee shop. Read a book. Go for a walk. Call a friend. It will be my time to replenish.
Other thoughts on self care.... it is not about stuff (new clothes, treating to expensive items ect), it is about taking care of my needs, so that in turn, I can continue taking care of those around me that need me.
Self care looks like: a bedtime ritual, getting a good night's sleep, a hot bath, a girly TV show, lemon and mint in my water, eating a healthy grown up lunch (not someone's left over chicken nuggets), being real and honest with people around me and myself, trips to the beach, walks in the woods, coffee in the morning (or whenever I need it), things that smell good.

...

And so, that is it for now. I am truly feeling a sense of change in myself and in the season right now. I am doing my best to keep an open heart, for what is about to come next. I know soon we will be back to the bustle of school, activities, and life. I am looking forward to this return to normal and routine, but will also miss the lazy long mornings, and having my two older ones home so much. So these last 2 weeks will be about squeezing those final summer moments. They will also be about slowing down and savouring the moment.

xox

grace, kindness and letting go

 This week has been one of self reflection. I am tired and worn out, yet I feel good.  It feels good to feel. It feels good to come to some conclusions. It feels good to turn corners. 

I've been looking for answers, and in doing that, I've come to see that I must listen to my inner voice. I must trust her. Today was hard. For some reason my self doubt and anxiety decided to make an appearance, and I really felt it come out. Persistent worrying, negative thoughts running loops in my head, physical symptoms too. And all I could do was trudge on. 

I haven't found a magic answer to why I get this way, or how to best deal with it, but I'm learning to give myself space, grace and to look for some self acceptance.  Last night I just decided that sleep would have to do the trick. I said a few kind words to myself  and gave myself permission to let go of the day. 

... 

And on a completely different note, Spring is here and we are taking every opportunity that comes our way to be outdoors! Being outside, surrounded by nature definitely helps calm my nervs, and chills my kids oit when they are high strung. Whether we're down by the bay (Bay of Fundy), in the forest, on a trail, or just in our backyard... the outdoors have been calling us and it feels so good. One of the most simple but enjoyable things has been picnics and eating on our back deck. It's one of the best parts of Spring! 

On Saturday we joined a really great group called the Young Naturalist Club of NS. Each month they organize a free walk, often with a specialist there to help identify discoveries. We had the excitement of finding frog and salamander eggs, as well as a real living salamander! We also saw a beaver damn, many trees chewed by the beavers, bugs, caterpillars and slugs! What a great morning for us all to be together, out on the land and learning about nature. 

xox