nurture

The holidays are nearing the end, and after a rich month, full of parties and celebrations, I am ready to clear out the clutter, simplify after all the excess, and find focus once again. 

I love the holidays, especially Christmas, but I'd be lying if I didn't mention how exhausting the month of December can be to a mama of three- oh and add in a birthday and a trip to Ottawa for good measure! 
December is lovely, but I often feel like I am running a marathon, all on my own, to make it magical and special for everyone. It's exhausting. A good and fulfilling kind of exhausting, but exhausting none the less. 
So here we are, just on the other side of Christmas. As I write this, I am in bed, in a Best Western hotel in Edmunston NB. We are on our way back to NS, after a trip home to Ottawa. We saw our loved ones, ate so many treats, the kids were spoiled with gifts, and we had the opportunity to visit with friends. It was busy and whirlwind, and now we feel ready to return to life and routine. 
This time of year always has me feel renewed and ready to prioritize. I feel a sense of focus and a desire to turn my energy towards intentions. I seek clarity, focus and to lessen the distractions. 
Each year at this time of year, I start to look inwards for a motivational word that will help guide me forward into the New Year. In previous years, I chose words such as: Peace, Adventure, and Quiet. Last year I chose the word Focus and upon looking back at 2019, I can see that the word Focus and 2019 really went hand in hand. Last year was a great year for me in terms of growth in my photography. I led a workshop called, Heart+Hand Creative Workshop and also was a guest speaker at the Sackville Photography Club. I love how the word that I chose really helped to guide me towards some goals that I am very proud of. 
And so here we are, on the cusp of a new year and decade, and I am feeling the pull more and more to live a true and authentic life. As I get older, I feel the need less to participate in all the bull shit that society tells me that I need to do. I've learned a lot over the last few years.  Saying no is good for me,  I don't have to colour my hair, that I don't owe apologies and explanations to people for the decisions I make for myself, that the shape of my body is beautiful and doesn't need to be hidden. I have learned to be proud of my talents. That I am unique and can bring a lot to the table. That my happiness, creativity, sense of self all depend on how I take care of myself. This year I will be focusing on nurturing my self. This year's word will be Nurture.
I'm ready to put the focus on nurturing all aspects of myself. My creative self, my mental and physical health. Some of the ways I plan on nurturing myself are to, carve out chunks of time - just for creating. Practicing drawing once again. Make time for walks in nature. Prepare healthy and healing food , and to find time for quiet and reflection. 
If you like participating in this practice, feel free to share your words with me and the meaning behind them. I love hearing about what others choose. 
Happy New Year dear friends! 
xox 

the journey continues

I wrote this about two weeks ago, before we got the news of my sister Sarah getting very sick (more on that soon). I wasn't sure if I would post this, but after some thought, I decided that it is still important and relevant to me.
I've been doing some work lately. The kind of work that asks you to roll up your sleeves, get a little bit dirty, and dig deep into those dark corners that you often would rather ignore. This isn't the physical kind of work you might think, like house work, but personal self work.
Somewhere along the line of being a mom for the last 9 years, I lost touch with myself. Perhaps it was that newborn/infant fog or the crazy relentless non-stop busyness of chasing toddlers ... but somewhere deep in those ever evolving years, I seem to have lost touch with me.
So lately I've been taking some steps towards uncovering and getting to know myself once again. I've been asking myself some hard questions. I've been taking breaks from social media (which is HUGE for me). I've been working at slowing down my racing mind. I've given myself permission to set boundaries.
I've taken steps towards a healthier me. Walks. Vitamins. Mindfulness. Going alcohol free.
I'm not following any program. I'm not following any rules. I'm just making the changes and adjustments as I go. As I see fit.
I've decided that it's been long enough that I haven't shown myself some love. It's been long enough that I've stuffed my feelings, way down, to avoid hurt and shame. I've decided that I owe it to myself to listen to, acknowledge, nurture and love myself.
It's not always pretty. It can actually feel pretty horrible sometimes, being brutally honest with myself, but I've decided I don't like the alternative. I share this here, because it is part of my journey. My New Years word this year is journey, and it's becoming very clear to me, that yes indeed, I am on a very important journey towards a happier me.
As I wrap up this post, I wonder what exactly has caused me to feel at times so anxious, insecure, out of touch with myself. Is it motherhood, as I stated? Does it stem from my own upbringing - the dysfunction and lies? I'm not entirely sure... but I want to dig deeper and figure it out.

journey

In November, I was out for a walk when my mind started moving ahead to the New Year. I thought about how my previous word of the year had come to me in that forest, and I wondered what my word for 2018 would be.
While walking along, I was struck with how 2017 was such a year of growth for me. A year, where I finally learned to become my own friend, and be the person I needed to be.
2017 was a year where I learned to accept that I had anxiety and needed help with it. I learned that I needed to face on my fears, sadness, disappointments and that I could carry on and let them go. It was liberating.
2017 was also a year for deciding that enough was enough, when I found myself surrounded by toxic friendships. Quite frankly, I was able to gain some clarity and walk away from some very negative and abusive relationships. It wasn't easy. I had told myself that I needed such "friendships", it's easy to be vulnerable when you move quite often and need to start over again. Once I had come to terms with this, it seems so much balanced out for me, and the friends that I really needed were right there in front of me.
2017 was a year for learning to say no when I need to. Finding my voice, being assertive, and making big decisions for myself , doesn't come easy for me. Somewhere along the line this year, I decided that I needed to be an adult when it comes to making decisions in my life, and that at the end of the day, it is my life - I need to do what is best for me. Saying no sometimes means disappointing people who I love. It sometimes means boundaries are made. It means putting my needs first. It's not easy. It's scary. But it feels so good to be that person who I need to be.
So when I took account of all this growth, the word journey kept coming to me. Journey felt so appropriate. Things are not perfect. I am learning and growing, but something has really shifted in me over the last year. Confidence? Maturing? Probably a bit of both. But I am happy, and feel that I am just beginning on this journey of being a happy and healthy individual.

...

We are just a few days after New Years. I love this time of year. It's when I best feel ready to read new books, try new ideas, instil new goals.
I also love the fact that with the cold dark months, we are given permission to slow down, hibernate and be cozy together. This week we are preparing for our first winter storm of the year. Already we are expecting a "snow day"- no school. The cold winds, make us retreat inside- crafts, cooking, books, games become our focus. I like that our days are centered around togetherness. It's very hyggeligt.

So happy New Year friends. Wishing you all nothing but the best.
xox

grace, kindness and letting go

 This week has been one of self reflection. I am tired and worn out, yet I feel good.  It feels good to feel. It feels good to come to some conclusions. It feels good to turn corners. 

I've been looking for answers, and in doing that, I've come to see that I must listen to my inner voice. I must trust her. Today was hard. For some reason my self doubt and anxiety decided to make an appearance, and I really felt it come out. Persistent worrying, negative thoughts running loops in my head, physical symptoms too. And all I could do was trudge on. 

I haven't found a magic answer to why I get this way, or how to best deal with it, but I'm learning to give myself space, grace and to look for some self acceptance.  Last night I just decided that sleep would have to do the trick. I said a few kind words to myself  and gave myself permission to let go of the day. 

... 

And on a completely different note, Spring is here and we are taking every opportunity that comes our way to be outdoors! Being outside, surrounded by nature definitely helps calm my nervs, and chills my kids oit when they are high strung. Whether we're down by the bay (Bay of Fundy), in the forest, on a trail, or just in our backyard... the outdoors have been calling us and it feels so good. One of the most simple but enjoyable things has been picnics and eating on our back deck. It's one of the best parts of Spring! 

On Saturday we joined a really great group called the Young Naturalist Club of NS. Each month they organize a free walk, often with a specialist there to help identify discoveries. We had the excitement of finding frog and salamander eggs, as well as a real living salamander! We also saw a beaver damn, many trees chewed by the beavers, bugs, caterpillars and slugs! What a great morning for us all to be together, out on the land and learning about nature. 

xox

acceptance

I recently read of someone feeling that they had been at a crossroads for the better half of a year. An intersection, where she just couldn't decide which way to go. It resonated with me.
For the last few years, there have been many life  changes for us. 4 moves in 10 years, house sales, babies.. and for the first time in those 10 years, we don't have any expected life changes on the horizon... and it makes me feel restless. Which direction will we go, now that we are here? Now that our family feels complete. Now that we have decided to settle.
I'm 35. No longer a "young mother". My last baby has entered the early toddler stages, and I have so many questions about where that leaves me. My biggest challenge at this very moment is self acceptance and reassurance that this life, is exactly as it should be. I must remind myself daily, that this is it. This is our one beautiful life, and no matter how simple I choose to live, it is more than enough. That I am enough. The competition needs to stop. The comparisons.
We are at the beginning of April, and the ground still has snow on it. Its cold in the mornings and we have fights about whether to wear snow pants or not. My mind drifts ahead to Spring. To my garden. To BBQs and eating on our back deck. And then I remind myself to come back. Come back to now. Look for the joy in the now. Stop looking ahead, it's not useful or good for me. I'm trying, trying so hard to stop that type of thought. In the end, it comes down to acceptance.

catching up

Somewhere between the cold temperatures, the busyness of 3 kids, homework, meal preps, life  and commitments, I have let certain important practices, that I know to help me in my happiness slip.
Instead of prioritizing my walks, time in nature, sleep and  journaling, I have let other parts of my life take over and I am feeling sluggish for it. But instead of beating myself up for indulging in far too many sweets, and not getting to bed at a good time, I am simply going to give myself permission to reset. Yes. More rest. More walks. Better food. More nature.
I realize that life is one big ebb and flow. I'm also realizing that when I let go of these things that I know to help me feel better, that anxiety and pressure start to build up. So, back to the basics for me. Back to prioritizing self care. That's what this is really about.

... catching up on life ...

We've had my dad here now for about 3 weeks now, and it is very nice to have him here. The first few weeks took adjusting to for all of us, but we seem to be falling into a nice rhythm and it's very nice to have the extra set of hands here (especially when Winslow is at work).
But on top of an extra set of hands, it is most nice to see my children form a relationship with him and to build memories. It's the most simple of things, but when I see us all sit down to a meal, or watch them play a board game, I feel so blessed that we all have this time together. Over the past 10 years or so, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that life cannot be taken for granted. We just don't know what lies ahead for any of us, and so it really is this moment, right now that counts.

...

In an attempt to socialize more and to feed into my need for creativity, I hosted a women's craft night last week and it was a nice little gathering. I chose a very simple and open ended craft, something I hoped that everyone would feel comfortable making, and asked people to bring a snack to share.
We all ended up having a nice evening of good food, drinks, conversation and creativity.
...

March Break came and went, with a mix of rest and fun for all of us. A bug ran it's course through the family, and each day, I found the kids and Winslow to be down right tired. Naps were had by all, but we also managed a little excursion, to Halifax. We stayed at a hotel with a pool, went out to eat, went to a library program and did some shopping.
On our last day of March Break, I decided that I would finally give in to the pleas I've heard over the last two years, and we threw a birthday party for Ryder and his dog friend Carly. Simple decorations from our box of left over balloons and streamers, a gift for each dog (tennis balls), cupcakes for the dogs(healthy recipe found online), and cake for us from the grocery store, because... cake. Any excuse for cake is a good excuse by me!

...

Just yesterday, after what felt like a week or two of missing our outdoor time (sickness, cold temps), we headed out to Baxter's Harbour, a short 30 min drive from our house. Baxter's Harbour is a small village, that sits on the Bay of Fundy and is right between Hall's Harbour and Scott's Bay. It has a lovely waterfall that you can walk under at low tide, all kinds of rocks to climb, and tons a beautiful stones and sea glass to pick through. This will be a place we return to. I can see us having a lovely picnic there in the Summer or Spring.

...

And finally, we have a reader! Grandpa bought us a copy of Harry Potter, so that we could read it all together, but Noah has taken it upon himself to read ahead sometimes. I let him, because I think it's great that he wants to give it a go, but I am still going to read it aloud, because I don't want him to miss parts, and because reading together is a special thing.

Life is busy and I don't always find the time or inspiration to write on my blog. It takes time and effort to pull out my camera, take the photos, upload them and write a blog post. But every time I come back to my blog, I am thankful that I have taken the time to do this. To document our days. To stop and think about the special moments. At the risk of sounding all philosophical, I feel in my heart that our day to day life is truly a gift to be cherished. To be experienced. The good, the bad, the hard stuff and easy stuff. Thanks for always coming along with me.
xox