little bits and pieces

You know that feeling you get right around mid August?
Summer is still alive and well, and you know you ought to take advantage of it, but secretly deep down in your heart, you are ready to slow it down a bit.
This summer has been a strange one to me. It has sped by at an alarming rate, and part of me wonders where it all went. I sort of feel like we've been going and going, but I'm not exactly sure what we've done or accomplished. Its been busy, and we've done a lot. I'm not ready for summer to be done, but I feel that change in the air ... it's coming.
July brought us a camping trip to Cape Breton, a week of day camp for the kids, trips to Queensland Beach, Annapolis Royal and our 10 year wedding anniversary.
In August so far, we have had Amy+Anthony+family visit, as well as my sister, niece and nephew.
It's been busy, it feels busy, but I also know there have been little moments too. Moments worth remembering. Things like swinging on the swing Winslow made. Searching for sea glass. Walks on the beach with my girl. Meals on the back deck. And ice cream ... boy has there been ice cream.

...

This past summer has also been one of growing for me. A few weeks ago, I came to a point in a relationship with a friend, where I knew that I had to call things off. It had been a while coming. Multiple incidents had lead me to feel used, unappreciated and unvalued. I had to be honest. I had to stand up for myself. It was hard, but I am so proud of myself for doing it.
And since doing it, I have found a new sense of worth in myself. I have come to see that I need not internalize other people's behaviour and actions. That I don't need to sit there quietly and accept things as they are. That I must be my own friend first, set boundaries and that it is ok and necessary to put myself first.

A few other things that I have come to realize.

~ the term "friend" should not be thrown around lightly. A real friend is someone you can trust, rely on, and who will be there no matter what. I have some amazing friends in my life. These people know who they are, and I know who they are. They come with no strings attached. They love me for me, and I love them for them. It is simple. It is not complicated. It is real.

~ I am trying so damn hard to stay away from Facebook. I have come to the realization that Facebook makes me very unhappy. That the constant feed of people's opinions, news, updates ect, is addicting and negative. I am taking a break. It is hard. By habit (when I am nursing, or getting Wes down for a nap), I like to browse Facebook. But I am recognizing that I am addicted to it. That I mindlessly scroll through it, spending hours a day, comparing, analyzing, and internalizing other people's lives. It's just not good, and I am done for a while.

~ Self care. This is a word I have used before, but I have come to a point where I feel it is so absolutely necessary. I am about to be on my own with the kids for 2 weeks, while Winslow goes to Labrador for work. As a proactive measure, I booked in a babysitter to come 3 times, for a total of 6 hrs. During those times, I have decided that I will do things that serve myself. I will go to my favourite coffee shop. Read a book. Go for a walk. Call a friend. It will be my time to replenish.
Other thoughts on self care.... it is not about stuff (new clothes, treating to expensive items ect), it is about taking care of my needs, so that in turn, I can continue taking care of those around me that need me.
Self care looks like: a bedtime ritual, getting a good night's sleep, a hot bath, a girly TV show, lemon and mint in my water, eating a healthy grown up lunch (not someone's left over chicken nuggets), being real and honest with people around me and myself, trips to the beach, walks in the woods, coffee in the morning (or whenever I need it), things that smell good.

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And so, that is it for now. I am truly feeling a sense of change in myself and in the season right now. I am doing my best to keep an open heart, for what is about to come next. I know soon we will be back to the bustle of school, activities, and life. I am looking forward to this return to normal and routine, but will also miss the lazy long mornings, and having my two older ones home so much. So these last 2 weeks will be about squeezing those final summer moments. They will also be about slowing down and savouring the moment.

xox

today

Today I took note of the birds calling. I listened to their songs. It was so clear.
Today I enjoyed my back yard. I gave thanks for this beautiful piece of land that is ours. This special spot that is an extension of our home.
Today I allowed Wesley to feed Ryder. It was a mess, but it was so sweet to watch him work through his self directed task.
Today I poured myself into cooking for a friend who needs love and nourishment. It is the only thing I could think to do.
Today I allowed myself to share in Wesley's joy, as he climbed the play structure over and over again, and went down the slide. So proud of himself. So determined to do it himself.
Today I cuddled my dog. His hot stinky breath on my skin. I still love him.
Today we sat down to eat together, and it was nice. We had an abundance of food at our table. We are blessed.
This evening we went for an after dinner walk around the block. It felt good to move.
This evening I watched the moon from my bedroom window.
Good night.
I give thanks for every moment I was gifted today.

catching up

Somewhere between the cold temperatures, the busyness of 3 kids, homework, meal preps, life  and commitments, I have let certain important practices, that I know to help me in my happiness slip.
Instead of prioritizing my walks, time in nature, sleep and  journaling, I have let other parts of my life take over and I am feeling sluggish for it. But instead of beating myself up for indulging in far too many sweets, and not getting to bed at a good time, I am simply going to give myself permission to reset. Yes. More rest. More walks. Better food. More nature.
I realize that life is one big ebb and flow. I'm also realizing that when I let go of these things that I know to help me feel better, that anxiety and pressure start to build up. So, back to the basics for me. Back to prioritizing self care. That's what this is really about.

... catching up on life ...

We've had my dad here now for about 3 weeks now, and it is very nice to have him here. The first few weeks took adjusting to for all of us, but we seem to be falling into a nice rhythm and it's very nice to have the extra set of hands here (especially when Winslow is at work).
But on top of an extra set of hands, it is most nice to see my children form a relationship with him and to build memories. It's the most simple of things, but when I see us all sit down to a meal, or watch them play a board game, I feel so blessed that we all have this time together. Over the past 10 years or so, if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that life cannot be taken for granted. We just don't know what lies ahead for any of us, and so it really is this moment, right now that counts.

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In an attempt to socialize more and to feed into my need for creativity, I hosted a women's craft night last week and it was a nice little gathering. I chose a very simple and open ended craft, something I hoped that everyone would feel comfortable making, and asked people to bring a snack to share.
We all ended up having a nice evening of good food, drinks, conversation and creativity.
...

March Break came and went, with a mix of rest and fun for all of us. A bug ran it's course through the family, and each day, I found the kids and Winslow to be down right tired. Naps were had by all, but we also managed a little excursion, to Halifax. We stayed at a hotel with a pool, went out to eat, went to a library program and did some shopping.
On our last day of March Break, I decided that I would finally give in to the pleas I've heard over the last two years, and we threw a birthday party for Ryder and his dog friend Carly. Simple decorations from our box of left over balloons and streamers, a gift for each dog (tennis balls), cupcakes for the dogs(healthy recipe found online), and cake for us from the grocery store, because... cake. Any excuse for cake is a good excuse by me!

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Just yesterday, after what felt like a week or two of missing our outdoor time (sickness, cold temps), we headed out to Baxter's Harbour, a short 30 min drive from our house. Baxter's Harbour is a small village, that sits on the Bay of Fundy and is right between Hall's Harbour and Scott's Bay. It has a lovely waterfall that you can walk under at low tide, all kinds of rocks to climb, and tons a beautiful stones and sea glass to pick through. This will be a place we return to. I can see us having a lovely picnic there in the Summer or Spring.

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And finally, we have a reader! Grandpa bought us a copy of Harry Potter, so that we could read it all together, but Noah has taken it upon himself to read ahead sometimes. I let him, because I think it's great that he wants to give it a go, but I am still going to read it aloud, because I don't want him to miss parts, and because reading together is a special thing.

Life is busy and I don't always find the time or inspiration to write on my blog. It takes time and effort to pull out my camera, take the photos, upload them and write a blog post. But every time I come back to my blog, I am thankful that I have taken the time to do this. To document our days. To stop and think about the special moments. At the risk of sounding all philosophical, I feel in my heart that our day to day life is truly a gift to be cherished. To be experienced. The good, the bad, the hard stuff and easy stuff. Thanks for always coming along with me.
xox

halls harbour in black and white

This week, my dear friend Tania and I made a little trip to Hall's Harbour together (with Ryder and Wesley too). 

With our drive-thru Tim's coffees, homemade pumpkin muffins and cameras in hand, we went for a lovely little walk along the rocky beach at low tide. We had the whole beach to ourselves and really just took our time talking and observing our surroundings. It was a lovely day, hardly any wind. 

One of the prettiest parts of the walk were the icicles and little waterfall along the cliff. It was just so gorgeous, and Tania and I kept saying how our children would love to see this. 

connecting

I recently had a well meaning friend tell me to "enjoy those baby years", when explaining how busy she was. I had asked her if we could get together for a walk or coffee, and she explained to me how busy life was and she'd get back to me. Kid's sports, volunteering, work ect, life was busy for her and she was reminiscing back to the days, when being at home with a young child meant less going places and less commitments.
While I completely understand that she was coming from a kind place, it hurt me to read that. I was reaching out for some company, because truthfully, I feel very isolated these days, and while I enjoy being home with my baby, I am needing more connection. More sense of community. More than just being a caregiver.
Multiple strings of illness in our family has left this winter to be an isolating one. On more than one occasion, our plans have been cancelled due to us not being well, and the lack of interaction has left me feeling a void. Weeks have gone by, where I don't see, connect or socialize with anyone but my immediate family. I know that I need a balance of social and alone time ... I need that balance for my happiness and well being.
Right now I am identifying a need to connect on a greater level.  The life of a transient RCMP family is hard. Starting over, again and again is hard. Being 2 provinces away from family and old friends is hard. Making close ties and leaving them is hard. Maintaining friendships across the country is hard.
I've been trying to reach out to friends close by, but it seems as though people are just really busy. I turn to social media to fill that missing void and it is simply not enough. It feels hard, and then the self doubt and insecurities set in.
I know that this is going to take work. It's going to take turn downs. It's going to take me putting myself out there in uncomfortable situations, introducing myself to strangers, seeing if there is a friend connection.  I think as I get older, I am finding this more and more difficult.
Update - I wrote this post a week ago - but didn't have time to publish it...
Since I wrote this, I decided to reach out to some people outside of my small circle of friends to see if we might have a connection. I had a fellow RCMP spouse come over for lunch, went for a walk with a neighbour, and had the same neighbour and her family over for dinner.
I think it's been good for me to push myself to meet other people, and to make the conscious effort of trying. It's not always easy or comfortable, but I am happy to say that I've made some connections, and I'm feeling better for it.