full circle

I feel like I have spent the better half of my adult years, searching for a sense of belonging. Part of it is that we are and RCMP family, and for the last 12 years we have been transient, but there is more to it than that, and I’ve been digging away at it for quite some time.
This past year, when we came to our 3 year Nova Scotia anniversary, my better half began to get that all too familiar RCMP transfer itch. Things were becoming a little too comfy and familiar for him. He wanted that shake up, that each past transfer gave him. I on the other hand, had no interest in moving again.
Finally, things were going really well for me personally. Professionally, socially, mentally. I was in a good place. An amazing place. I didn’t want to give it up again.
We had many  late night conversations. I had many  panic attacks. I cried. We fought. We discussed. It was an uncertain time, one that was met with a lot of worry and anxiety (on my part).
After a few weeks of going back and forth, we came to a middle ground, and decided that a protentional move to Ottawa could be the solution. We began to look seriously into it. We looked at work options and housing options. We made the mistake of sharing this with the kids and our family. It felt like it could be right, but it also felt like we were giving up so much.
Perhaps it’s with age. Perhaps we have found the perfect place for us. But when we were going through these difficult few months, all that kept coming back to me was how great we have it where we are. Our town, the community there, our neighbours, my friends that I have carefully made. The photography clientele I have built, the possibilities of continuing with teaching, the options for Winslow. The landscape, the ocean, the camping, the forests. It’s what I have been searching for and wanting for so long, and now we are certain that it is where we want to be. But beyond the fact that I love Nova Scotia so much, I feel like I have come to a place in my life that I have been looking for, for such a long time. I am at such a peaceful place in my life and I'm not willing to give that up. Yes, we are giving up the dream of living close to family- which is a big pill to swallow, but for the first time in my adult years, I don't feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I used to search for something that was missing... something that stemmed from not having a strong/healthy/consistent relationship with my parents and not having a "family home" to ever return to. I was always missing, grieving, searching for a substitute to that - but I no longer feel that void. 
So here we are. We've come full circle, to decide that this is where we are going to plant our roots. It feels good, so good. And I'm happy. 

one year later

It's the thick of the summer. I've been at home with all three kids, non stop, with very little in the ways of help/breaks, and while this might sound like the perfect recipe for a mama going mad, here I am doing pretty well.

Last year, things weren't quite so even keel. I found myself often panicked. I found myself on edge/angry/nervous... pretty much all the time. When Winslow would have to leave for long days of work, or go out of town for work- I would spiral into a mess of anxiety and depression, immediately worried about how we would get through the minutes/hours/days.


I would busy myself, packing our days full, just so that I would have a plan. The thought of not having a plan freaked me out. Down time scared me. I'm not sure why. I think I just thought the days would crawl by if I didn't plan them out. I was scared of the slowness of time.


Looking back, I can definitely see that this was anxiety/depression. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to talk to someone, and I did. That helped a bit. I also decided to stop drinking, as I know that alcohol doesn't help me with my anxiety/depression, it deepens it.


Another thing I did was kick a very toxic friendship to the curb. I had kept this so called friend around, telling myself, I'd be so lonely without her - truth is, I never felt so alone/low/down on myself as when I was with her. I have since come to recognize and listen to that voice inside of me that tells me when someone is worthy of my friendship or not. My anxiety and depression at the time, had made it very hard to know what I was worthy of.

Other tools that I started to pack into my tool box: social media breaks, more Podcasts, picking up my camera and documenting my life - I find this very therapeutic and meditative.


So here I am this summer, feeling so much more calm and ok with long stretches with my kids, and less action packed days. This summer has been one of down time. Yes there have been little day trips and beaches, a few visitors and some camping, but there have also been afternoons of lego, playdates, TV and that's ok! I'm not stressing. I'm yelling less. I'm not in a state of rushing/busyness. It's nice.


I'm not saying that my depression/anxiety is gone forever, but right now, I have seen huge improvements, and the improvements have been made by me. I think there's something important about finding the answers, about searching for solutions, about mapping out your own life. Before, I would have described myself and my life as lost, lonely, out of control, hard. Now I see myself having ownership and responsibility over my own happiness and well being. Such a huge fucking difference. 

this christmas ...

This Christmas I am ...

~ letting go of past hurt
~ only doing the things, traditions, activities that I want to do
~ taking care of myself
~ letting go of perfection
~ embracing the moment
~ not stressing about getting it all done
~ taking time to enjoy our decorations
~ sipping lots of Christmas herbal tea
~ making time to see friends
~ not stressing about having a clean house
~ loving on my family

sunny days ahead

Summer is officially over in my books. School started today.
Last night, I got the kids to bed early. They had baths/showers, we read books, said prayers, and I reassured (once again) Noah, that he would be just fine tomorrow.
Once they fell asleep, I got to my usual chores of cleaning the dishes, sweeping the floors, but this time, I also pulled out the lunch bags, and began to fill them with snacks. Fresh fruit and fresh veggies, always. A little salty snack of crackers or veggie straws. A homemade cookie. A yoghurt (for Noah only). And a note... always a note on the first day. Today begins a new chapter for them. A new year of learning. A new teacher to help form their minds. New friends. I'm excited for them. I truly am.

...

Sunflowers.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I adore and I mean ADORE sunflowers. They make me over the moon happy. I can't NOT be happy when I look at one. So this year, with hope that I would have a garden FULL of sunflowers, I planted 3 packets full of seeds.
I started one packet indoors, in little biodegradable pots. They looked great. I even sang to them, hoping it would help them grow (why not?). I have one. ONE of them left growing.
Then I planted a second packet out doors. I have TWO left of those. And then my mammoth sunflowers. As back up and assurance, I planted a third packet of mammoth sunflowers, with high hopes that surely, these would grow into lovely large sunflowers. Well I guess the bluejays had other ideas, and again, I am left with one, yes ONE mammoth sunflower.
And so, for anyone still interested, these photos are of my prize winning (this survivor deserves a prize) mammoth sunflower. It's a thing of beauty I tell you.
Also, just for extra sunflower goodness, the kids and I visited a sunflower maze not too long ago. The price was a bit of a deterrent for me in years past, but this year, I made the most of our visit and brought my camera along for some nice pictures.

...

Life lessons.

This summer has been one for self growth. I have come to some self realizations that were hard for me to come to, but now I can see that I am better for them.
I have come to acknowledge and accept that I deal with anxiety on a pretty large scale. Accepting it has been a journey. Recently I began to experience some physical symptoms due to my anxiety, and that made me realize that I need to take the next step.
I have also come to see that I must and need to set boundaries around myself. Saying no, knowing my priorities, choosing carefully who I spend my time with  and who I give my energy to... these are all things that I am learning to do better.
I feel that it's important to remain open and honest about mental health. For me, I have my own personal stigmas with it, due to my mother's history of mental health issues. I often worry that I will end up like her (if I'm being honest), and that is something I don't care to do.
So onwards I go. I'm going to continue to push through, to find strategies and ways to cope with this. I'm going to do better for myself and my family.

here we go!

Life lately... 

late bedtimes, soccer, bonfires, strawberry picking, trips to the beach, last days of school, reading Harry Potter (2), hikes in the woods, gardening, growing up and getting her ears pierced, growing up and graduating from Beavers, a Father's Day pizza picnic on the beach.

Time is skipping by, and already we are at the beginning of July. This next month will bring us camping at Blomidon PP, Canada Day 150 in Halifax, and a much anticipated 5 day camping trip to Cape Breton. There will be more soccer, some day camps, the summer reading program and swimming lessons too. And of course plenty of unplanned adventures, such as picnics, ice cream missions, beach days and more. 

I'm ready for summer. I'm ready to spend time with the kids, on our own agenda. I'm ready to slow things down or speed up the pace ... what ever we need. I'm ready for time outside. Coffee on the back porch. Veggies from the garden. Reading on a blanket. Movies in the backyard, and sketch book art. 

Here we go folks! Summer is here.