full circle

I feel like I have spent the better half of my adult years, searching for a sense of belonging. Part of it is that we are and RCMP family, and for the last 12 years we have been transient, but there is more to it than that, and I’ve been digging away at it for quite some time.
This past year, when we came to our 3 year Nova Scotia anniversary, my better half began to get that all too familiar RCMP transfer itch. Things were becoming a little too comfy and familiar for him. He wanted that shake up, that each past transfer gave him. I on the other hand, had no interest in moving again.
Finally, things were going really well for me personally. Professionally, socially, mentally. I was in a good place. An amazing place. I didn’t want to give it up again.
We had many  late night conversations. I had many  panic attacks. I cried. We fought. We discussed. It was an uncertain time, one that was met with a lot of worry and anxiety (on my part).
After a few weeks of going back and forth, we came to a middle ground, and decided that a protentional move to Ottawa could be the solution. We began to look seriously into it. We looked at work options and housing options. We made the mistake of sharing this with the kids and our family. It felt like it could be right, but it also felt like we were giving up so much.
Perhaps it’s with age. Perhaps we have found the perfect place for us. But when we were going through these difficult few months, all that kept coming back to me was how great we have it where we are. Our town, the community there, our neighbours, my friends that I have carefully made. The photography clientele I have built, the possibilities of continuing with teaching, the options for Winslow. The landscape, the ocean, the camping, the forests. It’s what I have been searching for and wanting for so long, and now we are certain that it is where we want to be. But beyond the fact that I love Nova Scotia so much, I feel like I have come to a place in my life that I have been looking for, for such a long time. I am at such a peaceful place in my life and I'm not willing to give that up. Yes, we are giving up the dream of living close to family- which is a big pill to swallow, but for the first time in my adult years, I don't feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I used to search for something that was missing... something that stemmed from not having a strong/healthy/consistent relationship with my parents and not having a "family home" to ever return to. I was always missing, grieving, searching for a substitute to that - but I no longer feel that void. 
So here we are. We've come full circle, to decide that this is where we are going to plant our roots. It feels good, so good. And I'm happy. 

midwinter

It's a quiet time of year right now. We have no upcoming travel plans, and we are doing our best to tighten our spending. Meal planning is in full force, and we are trying to just get through the winter days, as best we can. Many days at home, often lead me to thinking ahead. This time of year, often has me dreaming of warmer and sunnier days, and so I begin to make my summer plans.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home with the kids. Yes, there are the downfalls of not having the extra income (no big trips, no disposable income - thrift shopping is where it's at!, camping instead of cottages), but for us, the rewards outweigh the consequences, and we are generally, very happy with our lifestyle. Because I stay home with the kids, we have a very flexible schedule and we often take off for day trips, or we can sneak away mid week when Winslow has time off.

While I have moved away from using the term "Bucket List", when it comes to Christmas and other times of year, I still do like to make a "Summer Wish List", because I worry that we might miss something important, and there's only really 8 or 9 weeks of summer vacation. For me, summer is a time to squeeze every last drop, to seize the day.

So, for the sake of day dreaming at the end of  January, here are just a few things on my "Summer Wish List" ...

~ Canoe camping with the whole family at Keji NP.

~ Camping in Cape Breton. It captured our hearts last year, and we're going back for more this year with the cousins!

~ my long anticipated attendance at Land and See. Oh my heart is almost hurting, I'm so excited. I'm so ready to fill my creative cup with fresh ideas, inspiration and knowledge. Also, 3 days to myself (kid free) will be absolutely refreshing.

~ a garden with Spring bulbs, veggies and sunflowers. 

...

And then back to the present. The long days of January, where school is often cancelled and we find ourselves at home, together. It's lovely and challenging all at once. After so many days of painting, building forts, making crafts and baking, I feel like I am running out of creativity in the home and in my parenting ways, not to mention artistically as well. 

Today I found myself really itching to get out of the house with Wesley. I decided that we'd do some errands. Just as we were almost at our turn off to go shopping, I realized that we had time to make it to the babytime at the Wolfville library. We hadn't been there in months, and I wasn't sure how Wesley would react to it (he always takes time to warm up to certain settings). So we found a chair and sat back from the group, but participated from the sidelines. In the end, he enjoyed the songs and stories (and the play kitchen afterwards), and I enjoyed bumping into my mom friends. I really see and feel the need to connect at this time of year. I'm thinking that I need to make this happen more. 

Lately I have been thinking about setting better parameters around our screen use, here in the household. Where I used to be very strict about the amount of screen time that the children got, somewhere along the way, I let go of some of my rules, and I fear that we have gotten to used to relying on them. 

The other day, after too much fighting, some rude behviour and not enough playing, I decided to "ground" the older 2 from screentime for 3 days. Believe it or not, they like the term "grounded", because friends of their had been grounded too. Maybe they like that I am enforcing rules? Maybe it's the fact that they know and like having boundaries? 

So there they were, screen free for 3 days, and right away, I could see that they were connecting better with each other and me. Once their 3 days were up, we had a conversation about how we would put some new limits on how much screen time they get throughout the week, and it made me think, perhaps I need to set limits for myself too.

I have decided to take an internet break for a few days, only allowing myself access to emails (for my photography business), texting (my line to the outside world) and the occasional movie on Netflix (we have no TV). This means, I will not be checking Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest for a set amount of time. Instagram will be the hardest.  I'm gonna put away my phone. I'm  going to pick up my camera, pick up my paint brushes, pick up the phone (to talk on- not to browse). I'm gonna go for walks, have friends over for playdates and coffee, go to the library. 

So wish me luck. I anticipate it being hard. That's ok. I need this.

autumn blessings

Wow, it's hard  to believe that September came and went so quickly. I feel like I spent much of the month, finding our footing and getting ourselves back into a good routine.
In September, school started, storytime at the library resumed, early mornings, packed lunches and early bedtimes all started up again. After much contemplation, we signed the kids up for some extra curricular activities. Katia is in dance class, and loves it. Noah is doing x-country (just for the Fall), basketball and Cubs. I was very hesitant about adding too much to our already busy lives, and wanted to make sure that the kids had a balance of free time too. While Noah is doing quite a bit it seems, we are watching closely to make sure the he is enjoying himself and not over doing it.
The end of the September brings my birthday, and this year I felt really good about accepting my day. I feel at a good place in my life. I feel like I am finally being honest with myself and FINALLY giving myself the care that I have been so good at giving everyone else. Why did it take me this long, I'm not sure, but here I am. Being kinder  to myself, more patient with myself, and in turn, kinder and patient with the ones I love. A good birthday gift to give myself, I'd say.
I always think September will feel like our Nova Scotia anniversary. While we in fact arrived in August of 2015, it really was September, where I felt like we planted our feet. I remember, Noah starting grade 1 at KCA, and thinking it was such a BIG school. I remember my little Katia, still 3 years old! starting at preschool. And here we are, 2 years later. It's been 2 years of being here in Nova Scotia and I have to say, I finally feel settled. There's been some rocky parts. Some big life changes (hello baby Wesley!) and more, but I can finally say that I feel good here now. I feel grounded. I feel like we belong here.
Autumn is here and one of my most favourite holidays is this weekend, Thanksgiving. I really love Thanksgiving because it's purpose and meaning is probably the least commercial of all the holidays. It's to simply, give thanks. There are no big fancy gifts to purchase and give. There's no pressure to spend months building it up. There's no high expectations from little ones (all they care for is pie!). To me, it's simple and pure.
This year, we plan to visit some new RCMP friends for brunch on Sat. Then we head to our other RCMP friends in Bridgewater for Sunday dinner. On Monday we will have our own small Thanksgiving dinner at our home. I am very aware that these visits can only happen, with the fortune of us all being in good health. For the last 2 years, we have been repeatedly sick come Fall, and this year, we seem (knock on wood) to be doing very well. I'm so thankful for this.
And so I leave off with a few photos from our time at the Kentville Harvest Festival (and some other random ones). I still can't believe our luck, that we chose to live in a town that is centered around the harvest season! Our town mascot is a Pumpkin Person. The town puts on Pumpkin People displays for the month of October. We have a Harvest Highway. We have pumpkin patches, corn mazes and more! It's seriously heaven on earth for anyone who is an Autumn freak like me!
There has been much sadness in the world as of late, and I know that it can feel so overwhelming at times. While on one hand, I want and believe that we should all speak up and be involved, I also feel that it's ok to protect one's heart and mind from such sadness all the time. I saw a quote that said, we do not have to personally take on all of the hardships of the world. We do not have to take on all the grief either. I think it's important to be gentle and kind with ourselves too.
So happy Autumn and Happy Thanksgiving. Let's take a moment to give thanks for even the most small and simple of blessings. xox

who I am

We just returned from a 10 day whirl wind of a trip from Ottawa. Our trip was a well planned out surprise visit, where we showed up on Winslow's parents' door step, completely unannounced. We timed it with the celebration of our niece's and nephew's birthdays, as well as with Easter. And it was good. So very good to go home and be with our people. 

For the first time in a very long time, I have really been pondering the thought of where I see our family living. For years, it felt right to me that we continue on with our adventure of transferring all over the country. Our family was young, and it just felt so right for us to have this solid family foundation. But over the last year, I have found myself asking more and more, should we be closer to our family and friends in Ottawa? 

I'm not sure what the answer is. I really am not sure. I love it here in Nova Scotia. I even had this vivid dream before we knew that we were moving here, that I was pushing Wesley (before I was pregnant with him) in a stroller, while Katia skipped beside me holding my hand, and Noah ran ahead. We were in Lunenburg, on a little day trip. We were living in Nova Scotia. 

There is so much that I love about here. The pace. The easy going attitude. The kind people. The ocean. The vibe. But I can't deny it, I've been lonely here .... and I've given it a good honest go at making friends. 

Last Christmas was undeniably lonely. I had never experienced feeling so far from family, even though we had spent many Christmases away from family before.... this was different. Up North, it seemed most people were away from family too. We banded together, and got through the holidays on a united front, but this year, it was not like that at all. It was then that I realized, most people who live here in NS are from here, and they have their people.... they have their family. 

In an attempt to be honest with myself, I am coming to see that I think, over the past 10 years of being an RCMP family, I liked having an excuse to stay away for the holidays. 

It's not a secret, that my family's dynamics are dysfunctional ( as I child, going through counselling, I knew what that word meant), and being home for the holidays in the past gave me feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. But now, many of these feelings and dynamics have changed and I feel so much more in control of my surroundings. 

I'm not sure why I saying all this. Perhaps it was the long car ride from Ottawa back to NS, that gave me the opportunity to look back at our visit and reflect. Seeing my closest friends. Having the holidays with our families. Feeling surrounded and loved. Seeing my children completely happy with their cousins and friends. Are we missing out on this? Are we denying ourselves something so important? Or what if we just make the effort to come home more often. Thanksgiving and Christmas are on our radar. Would that be enough? 

So here I am. Back home, and back to our lives. It feels nice to be home again, I'll say that. And a walk on the beach is happening ... like as soon as possible. It feels good, so good to be here... but I'll be honest... a little piece of my heart was left back in Ottawa, and it confuses the hell out of me.