one year later

It's the thick of the summer. I've been at home with all three kids, non stop, with very little in the ways of help/breaks, and while this might sound like the perfect recipe for a mama going mad, here I am doing pretty well.

Last year, things weren't quite so even keel. I found myself often panicked. I found myself on edge/angry/nervous... pretty much all the time. When Winslow would have to leave for long days of work, or go out of town for work- I would spiral into a mess of anxiety and depression, immediately worried about how we would get through the minutes/hours/days.


I would busy myself, packing our days full, just so that I would have a plan. The thought of not having a plan freaked me out. Down time scared me. I'm not sure why. I think I just thought the days would crawl by if I didn't plan them out. I was scared of the slowness of time.


Looking back, I can definitely see that this was anxiety/depression. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to talk to someone, and I did. That helped a bit. I also decided to stop drinking, as I know that alcohol doesn't help me with my anxiety/depression, it deepens it.


Another thing I did was kick a very toxic friendship to the curb. I had kept this so called friend around, telling myself, I'd be so lonely without her - truth is, I never felt so alone/low/down on myself as when I was with her. I have since come to recognize and listen to that voice inside of me that tells me when someone is worthy of my friendship or not. My anxiety and depression at the time, had made it very hard to know what I was worthy of.

Other tools that I started to pack into my tool box: social media breaks, more Podcasts, picking up my camera and documenting my life - I find this very therapeutic and meditative.


So here I am this summer, feeling so much more calm and ok with long stretches with my kids, and less action packed days. This summer has been one of down time. Yes there have been little day trips and beaches, a few visitors and some camping, but there have also been afternoons of lego, playdates, TV and that's ok! I'm not stressing. I'm yelling less. I'm not in a state of rushing/busyness. It's nice.


I'm not saying that my depression/anxiety is gone forever, but right now, I have seen huge improvements, and the improvements have been made by me. I think there's something important about finding the answers, about searching for solutions, about mapping out your own life. Before, I would have described myself and my life as lost, lonely, out of control, hard. Now I see myself having ownership and responsibility over my own happiness and well being. Such a huge fucking difference. 

who I am

We just returned from a 10 day whirl wind of a trip from Ottawa. Our trip was a well planned out surprise visit, where we showed up on Winslow's parents' door step, completely unannounced. We timed it with the celebration of our niece's and nephew's birthdays, as well as with Easter. And it was good. So very good to go home and be with our people. 

For the first time in a very long time, I have really been pondering the thought of where I see our family living. For years, it felt right to me that we continue on with our adventure of transferring all over the country. Our family was young, and it just felt so right for us to have this solid family foundation. But over the last year, I have found myself asking more and more, should we be closer to our family and friends in Ottawa? 

I'm not sure what the answer is. I really am not sure. I love it here in Nova Scotia. I even had this vivid dream before we knew that we were moving here, that I was pushing Wesley (before I was pregnant with him) in a stroller, while Katia skipped beside me holding my hand, and Noah ran ahead. We were in Lunenburg, on a little day trip. We were living in Nova Scotia. 

There is so much that I love about here. The pace. The easy going attitude. The kind people. The ocean. The vibe. But I can't deny it, I've been lonely here .... and I've given it a good honest go at making friends. 

Last Christmas was undeniably lonely. I had never experienced feeling so far from family, even though we had spent many Christmases away from family before.... this was different. Up North, it seemed most people were away from family too. We banded together, and got through the holidays on a united front, but this year, it was not like that at all. It was then that I realized, most people who live here in NS are from here, and they have their people.... they have their family. 

In an attempt to be honest with myself, I am coming to see that I think, over the past 10 years of being an RCMP family, I liked having an excuse to stay away for the holidays. 

It's not a secret, that my family's dynamics are dysfunctional ( as I child, going through counselling, I knew what that word meant), and being home for the holidays in the past gave me feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. But now, many of these feelings and dynamics have changed and I feel so much more in control of my surroundings. 

I'm not sure why I saying all this. Perhaps it was the long car ride from Ottawa back to NS, that gave me the opportunity to look back at our visit and reflect. Seeing my closest friends. Having the holidays with our families. Feeling surrounded and loved. Seeing my children completely happy with their cousins and friends. Are we missing out on this? Are we denying ourselves something so important? Or what if we just make the effort to come home more often. Thanksgiving and Christmas are on our radar. Would that be enough? 

So here I am. Back home, and back to our lives. It feels nice to be home again, I'll say that. And a walk on the beach is happening ... like as soon as possible. It feels good, so good to be here... but I'll be honest... a little piece of my heart was left back in Ottawa, and it confuses the hell out of me.

I miss it

I miss it there. 

I miss the feeling of being surrounded by great mountains and clear rivers. 

I miss the feeling of coziness, smallness and security. 

Of being forced to be resourceful. Of having my immediate family close by to me. Of our close bonds and all the time we had together. 

Of simpler days. Simpler ways. Simpler to-do lists. Simpler schedules.

I've been told it gets easier, but never goes away. This pining for the North. And I'm sure it will, but maybe that's what scares me. I'm scared it will be just a distant memory, when I can't help but feel that a piece of our hearts are still there. 

Don't get me wrong, I do like it here, but right now, I am missing that familiarity. The feeling of knowing where I am. 

*And just to clarify, I am speaking mostly of my missing the Yukon in general and Whitehorse specifically. In case anyone feels the need to remind me of how I felt when living in Beaver Creek.