connecting

I recently had a well meaning friend tell me to "enjoy those baby years", when explaining how busy she was. I had asked her if we could get together for a walk or coffee, and she explained to me how busy life was and she'd get back to me. Kid's sports, volunteering, work ect, life was busy for her and she was reminiscing back to the days, when being at home with a young child meant less going places and less commitments.
While I completely understand that she was coming from a kind place, it hurt me to read that. I was reaching out for some company, because truthfully, I feel very isolated these days, and while I enjoy being home with my baby, I am needing more connection. More sense of community. More than just being a caregiver.
Multiple strings of illness in our family has left this winter to be an isolating one. On more than one occasion, our plans have been cancelled due to us not being well, and the lack of interaction has left me feeling a void. Weeks have gone by, where I don't see, connect or socialize with anyone but my immediate family. I know that I need a balance of social and alone time ... I need that balance for my happiness and well being.
Right now I am identifying a need to connect on a greater level.  The life of a transient RCMP family is hard. Starting over, again and again is hard. Being 2 provinces away from family and old friends is hard. Making close ties and leaving them is hard. Maintaining friendships across the country is hard.
I've been trying to reach out to friends close by, but it seems as though people are just really busy. I turn to social media to fill that missing void and it is simply not enough. It feels hard, and then the self doubt and insecurities set in.
I know that this is going to take work. It's going to take turn downs. It's going to take me putting myself out there in uncomfortable situations, introducing myself to strangers, seeing if there is a friend connection.  I think as I get older, I am finding this more and more difficult.
Update - I wrote this post a week ago - but didn't have time to publish it...
Since I wrote this, I decided to reach out to some people outside of my small circle of friends to see if we might have a connection. I had a fellow RCMP spouse come over for lunch, went for a walk with a neighbour, and had the same neighbour and her family over for dinner.
I think it's been good for me to push myself to meet other people, and to make the conscious effort of trying. It's not always easy or comfortable, but I am happy to say that I've made some connections, and I'm feeling better for it.

saying yes and putting doubt aside

I have a tendency to work myself up into a frenzy of worry, doubt and anxiety, when I am faced with daunting activities that involve all three kids, and just myself as the only adult.
I realize that I need to get past this, because  it's just a fact, that these activities (school events, sports practices, Scouts ect) will continue to happen, and I won't always have Winslow to help me out. Also, more often than not, we end up having a great time, the kids handle themselves quite well and basically, it turns out to be a successful outing.
On the weekend, we ventured up to the beautiful and majestic Blomidon Provincial Park, for a Scouts Canada camp out. I had been worried leading up to it, because  Winslow was working, and I had to take all three kids up on my own, but upon turning down the road towards the park, and driving past little cottages beside the sea, my worries seemed to melt away.
So what if I had to pitch a tent by myself? I'd ask for help, and I knew people would gladly help us out. What if Wesley became miserable (he's teething and has a cough)? Well ... I'd cross that path when and if I came to it.
Once we arrived, the kids departed, found their friends and played and ran as much as they wanted.
It was actually pretty relaxing for me, as they were well entertained and only came to me for snacks.
We went for walks, had a big Scout's Canada dinner around the campfire, and took in the amazing views from the top of Cape Blomidon. I am so happy we went for it!  We will be returning to this spot.
It's an interesting life we lead here, as an RCMP family. We are often on our own, without the extra hands of family around to help. If we need help, we have to go out of our way to ask friends and neighbours. We're slowly starting to be okay with asking for help. We're realizing that we can't do it all on our own.
Trying to figure out the logistics of doing activities with 3 kids and 1 adult is hard sometimes. There are times that I think it would be easier to stay home (sometimes it is, sometimes we do). But there is also a certain amount of satisfaction I get from successfully accomplishing an outing, as a solo parent with 3 kids. I feel proud of the kids. I feel proud of us, as a family. And more often than not, I feel so thankful that we went for it, and made the decision to say yes.