who I am

We just returned from a 10 day whirl wind of a trip from Ottawa. Our trip was a well planned out surprise visit, where we showed up on Winslow's parents' door step, completely unannounced. We timed it with the celebration of our niece's and nephew's birthdays, as well as with Easter. And it was good. So very good to go home and be with our people. 

For the first time in a very long time, I have really been pondering the thought of where I see our family living. For years, it felt right to me that we continue on with our adventure of transferring all over the country. Our family was young, and it just felt so right for us to have this solid family foundation. But over the last year, I have found myself asking more and more, should we be closer to our family and friends in Ottawa? 

I'm not sure what the answer is. I really am not sure. I love it here in Nova Scotia. I even had this vivid dream before we knew that we were moving here, that I was pushing Wesley (before I was pregnant with him) in a stroller, while Katia skipped beside me holding my hand, and Noah ran ahead. We were in Lunenburg, on a little day trip. We were living in Nova Scotia. 

There is so much that I love about here. The pace. The easy going attitude. The kind people. The ocean. The vibe. But I can't deny it, I've been lonely here .... and I've given it a good honest go at making friends. 

Last Christmas was undeniably lonely. I had never experienced feeling so far from family, even though we had spent many Christmases away from family before.... this was different. Up North, it seemed most people were away from family too. We banded together, and got through the holidays on a united front, but this year, it was not like that at all. It was then that I realized, most people who live here in NS are from here, and they have their people.... they have their family. 

In an attempt to be honest with myself, I am coming to see that I think, over the past 10 years of being an RCMP family, I liked having an excuse to stay away for the holidays. 

It's not a secret, that my family's dynamics are dysfunctional ( as I child, going through counselling, I knew what that word meant), and being home for the holidays in the past gave me feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. But now, many of these feelings and dynamics have changed and I feel so much more in control of my surroundings. 

I'm not sure why I saying all this. Perhaps it was the long car ride from Ottawa back to NS, that gave me the opportunity to look back at our visit and reflect. Seeing my closest friends. Having the holidays with our families. Feeling surrounded and loved. Seeing my children completely happy with their cousins and friends. Are we missing out on this? Are we denying ourselves something so important? Or what if we just make the effort to come home more often. Thanksgiving and Christmas are on our radar. Would that be enough? 

So here I am. Back home, and back to our lives. It feels nice to be home again, I'll say that. And a walk on the beach is happening ... like as soon as possible. It feels good, so good to be here... but I'll be honest... a little piece of my heart was left back in Ottawa, and it confuses the hell out of me.

celebrating our boy

We are almost at the 7 month mark of sweet Wesley's first year. There have been so many joys, so much to take note of, but the days seem to go by so quickly. 

Right now as I write this, he sleeps peacefully in the ergo carrier (that I used for Noah and Katia). It is a hot summer night, but this is how he wants to be. So close. 

At nearly 7 months old, Wesley is doing so much! He sits up and crawls. He babbles away. He's eating new foods, he's interested in toys and books, he adores his brother (Kuya) and sister (Ate), and he loves his puppy Ryder (although I keep a close eye on their interactions). 

While in Ottawa, we had a special celebration for Wesley. He was baptized at the Catholic church, by Winslow's family's priest. It was a really special day, where family and friends, came to officially welcome our boy to the world. Many of our friends and family, had not met Wesley yet. So it was very much like a welcoming party for him

When planning the special day, we asked our dear friend Sarah, if she would be Wesley's Godmother. It's hard for me to put into words, just how much my relationship with Sarah means to me. It's not something that I can easily sum up with words. It is deep and beautiful and precious. 

Asking Sarah to be Wesley's Godmother was important to me. I know that she cares for him and I feel a strong connection to her on so many levels. Spiritually, creatively, morally. Sarah is the kind of friend that I look up to. I admire her and she inspires me, to be a better person and mother. We are so blessed to have this amazing person in our lives, ans she fits the bill perfectly to be an  awesome Godmother

And so here we are. A whole half a year old. While I am loving each stage with this sweet and busy boy, I just wish for a moment that I could slow time down. It's going so fast, and I am catching little glimpses of who this little person is going to be as he grows up. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it's bittersweet, this whole baby thing. I love to watch him grow, but I will miss it so much when it's all over. Oh my baby boy. 

. 

hope, a walk and written snapshots

It's 2 days post election time, and I am still riding on a political high. I used to wonder if I was in the minority when it comes to passion about politics. I'm vocal (too vocal for some) about where my political values lie, and I am not afraid to approach a debate about certain topics. But on Monday Oct 19th, Canada blew me away with our election results. I think I am still in shock (in a good way), because after 10 years of crappy voter turn out and sad results, we saw an overwhelming demand for change from the citizens of this country that I love so so much. It was awesome!
Yes, my party won the election, so of course I am happy. I would've been happy with any of the more Center to Left (Green, NDP, Liberal) parties winning, but I am a Liberal at heart and truly do believe and have faith in our new Prime Minister, Justin Pierre Trudeau. His passion for our country, his stance on equality for all Canadians, his ability to reach out and listen, I believe he is genuine and here to help our country.
So with that, I've been walking around on a bit of a high (no pun intended, yes, he plans to legalize marijuana). I have a spring in my step, and a renewed sense of hope for our country. Hope that we will once again embrace diversity of cultures, and not divide Canadians as "us and them". Hope that our government will move towards renewable and inventive ways to produce energy. Hope that arts and culture will once again be valued. Let's see where this government takes us. I'm counting on them to keep those promises.

...

Out on a walk this morning with Ryder (both kids were at school), I happened upon a most beautiful spot that I had never seen before. I wondered if it was private property, as it looked well maintained. There, I found beautiful tall maples, a pond, little foot bridges. It was such a pretty spot, so I captured a few snaps on my phone.

...

Written snapshots (taking a "snapshot" in my mind, purposely not picking up a camera).

~ rolling over, very early in the morning, to feel the cozy, warm and soft body of Katia next to me. Her jammies, so soft. Her little hands grasping for me. A moment of stillness (when in the day, she is anything but still).

~ Me, down in the kitchen,  early in the evening, when the kids are tucked in bed, making mini chocolate zucchini muffins for lunchboxes. Stirring, mixing, blending ingredients. Muffins made with love for my family.

~ Changing the sheets on my bed, to soft, brand new, flannel sheets. Perfect for chilly nights. Perfect for cozying up, while we read bed time stories. Inviting me to rest and find refuge.

I miss it

I miss it there. 

I miss the feeling of being surrounded by great mountains and clear rivers. 

I miss the feeling of coziness, smallness and security. 

Of being forced to be resourceful. Of having my immediate family close by to me. Of our close bonds and all the time we had together. 

Of simpler days. Simpler ways. Simpler to-do lists. Simpler schedules.

I've been told it gets easier, but never goes away. This pining for the North. And I'm sure it will, but maybe that's what scares me. I'm scared it will be just a distant memory, when I can't help but feel that a piece of our hearts are still there. 

Don't get me wrong, I do like it here, but right now, I am missing that familiarity. The feeling of knowing where I am. 

*And just to clarify, I am speaking mostly of my missing the Yukon in general and Whitehorse specifically. In case anyone feels the need to remind me of how I felt when living in Beaver Creek. 

these moments

In just weeks, our time here in Beaver Creek, and the Yukon, will be wrapped up into one precious and beautiful package of memories, that I will slip away into my heart.
While talking to a dear friend over the phone the other night, the conversation came up about what I would miss most about our time here. I started to think, and immediately wanted  to slow down and just feel the simplicity of our life here. Simplicity is what I will miss most about here.
The simplicity of going for nature walks, all on our own, just steps from our home.
Being able to walk to the school, the park, the pool, the library, the post office ... all in just a short 5 minute walk.
The time that I have to make food. To make bread, from scratch. To make and can jam in an evening. To make healthy (and creative) dinners from what we have on hand.
This, I think, will be one of the most important lessons that I take from Beaver Creek. To remember not to load ourselves up with commitments, activities and busyness. To slow down and continue our simple way of living.

...

On our way home from the park the other day, Katia grabbed for Noah's hand and they ran all the way home together like this. It was hard for me to catch up, but when I did, Noah turned to me and told me that by holding Katia's hand, she would keep on walking and wouldn't get so tired.
I have been reflecting lately, on this amazing and strong friendship that these two have together. They are getting older, and in turn, seem to be getting along better than ever. They make up games together, go on adventures, and just basically live their days together, but so closely.
I really believe that our time here in Beaver Creek, has really helped to strengthen their relationship. Neither kids go off for long periods of time apart, or spend much time with anyone else, and while at times I wished desperately for them to have more options, more friends, more activities, so that they could live somewhat more individual lives, I now see that their bond is the way it is because of all this family time that we have had together. It's been a true gift.


...

Thoughts on this pregnancy:

I am now 15 weeks along and am finally feeling more normal and like myself (although the hormones came out full force this week- sorry hubby).
At the beginning of the pregnancy, I was having terrible headaches and nausea. I would feel dizzy and needed to lie down often through out the day. I am happy to report that I am now feeling much more energetic, and able to do physical activities. I went to aquafit this week and went for multiple walks, which feel so good. I still do get tired, and find that I like to go to bed early and even catch a nap if possible.
This week I've had CRAZY pregnancy dreams, that are so far fetched, yet very realistic and vivid. I always wonder what they mean.
The kids are super excited for this wee babe to come along and so are we, but still, I get very nervous about how something could go wrong, and how devastated we would all be, if God forbid! I know it's not good to think like this, but it's just my honest feelings.
Food cravings: none, but I wasn't able to drink coffee for the first 12 weeks due to the smell- it was way too strong for me and I had a big time aversion to it, now, I am able to have a cup every now and then, which is nice when I am feeling tired in the afternoon.

...

Today is Canada Day, and we have some very excited little ones on our hands. We are hoping for a short break in the rain (even though the land so desperately needs it), so that we can proceed with our small town parade and bbq :)
*update - the rain held off, and the kids had the parade :)

...

Thank you so much for all the kind words of congratulations on our special news.
It means so much to us.

xox

life ... moving along

Life has been busy here in our lives and in this little town where we live.
After a few busy months of photo work,  I finally got caught up on all of my Autumn photo sessions and was able to take a nice deep breath. It felt good to not have those looming deadlines over my head. I always feel guilty that I can't get my clients photos out sooner.
Winslow and I have been busy with volunteer commitments at the Community Club here in Beaver Creek. Community lunches, craft nights, flooding the rink, exercise class, Tot Time, Board meetings. This little place sure has a lot going on, and we are busy running most of it (lol!). You know, I really do think that keeping busy  helps me from going crazy, or maybe it's making me crazy. Not sure, but it sure helps to have things to do during those long winter months.
About a week ago we had an amazing show of the Northern Lights here in Beaver Creek. Winslow and I packed the kids up and went out to get some photos of the lights. It was beautiful, breathtaking and majestic. I begged Winslow to pose for a shot with me where we are kissing under the lights.He obliged, and I am so happy with the shot. Cheesy perhaps, but I will always cherish it when we have moved away from this little place that right now we call home.
The kids and I popped into Whitehorse last week for a friend's birthday and to do some shopping. It was fast, crazy, exhausting but a nice break. We were all very excited to see that the city had put up their lights, so we ran over and took a look. I must admit, I am very much looking forward to the holidays this year.
One of my favourite parts of the holidays are the traditions. These are the parts that we have chosen to be deliberate about. To build into our family's story, and I look forward to them so much. The Nutcracker ballet, Saint Nicholas Day, Advent calendars and candle wreaths, doing RAK (random acts of kindness), sending out Christmas cards, crafting and making. I'm excited to share this time with my family, and to watch N+K take in those traditions.
And while I am blessed to be in the position to enjoy the holidays this year, I know that not everyone is. I know people (personally) who are grieving the loss of loved ones (their first Christmas without those special people), and others who are struggling with other types of loss. The holidays are not always easy for everyone, and I want to remain mindful of that.
And finally, a certain little lady of ours will be turning 3 years old this week and we are busy getting things ready for her special day. I'm not sure who is more excited, her or myself? I do love to plan a good birthday, and I just love to watch my kids to have their special day. To be the center of attention, to watch them feel loved. I'm excited!
This year's birthday will have a "Frozen/Fox" theme. She initially wanted a "fox" party (yay! that is fun and trendy!) but then it turned into a "Frozen" party (boo, no points for originality). So I put my thinking cap on, I was thinking, how can I sneak some "Frozen" in there. I decided  that we would settle on doing "Frozen" cupcakes on her real birthday (28th) and then her party could be "Fox" themed. Problem solved.

Sending warm thoughts to those who need it right now.
xox