one year later

It's the thick of the summer. I've been at home with all three kids, non stop, with very little in the ways of help/breaks, and while this might sound like the perfect recipe for a mama going mad, here I am doing pretty well.

Last year, things weren't quite so even keel. I found myself often panicked. I found myself on edge/angry/nervous... pretty much all the time. When Winslow would have to leave for long days of work, or go out of town for work- I would spiral into a mess of anxiety and depression, immediately worried about how we would get through the minutes/hours/days.


I would busy myself, packing our days full, just so that I would have a plan. The thought of not having a plan freaked me out. Down time scared me. I'm not sure why. I think I just thought the days would crawl by if I didn't plan them out. I was scared of the slowness of time.


Looking back, I can definitely see that this was anxiety/depression. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to talk to someone, and I did. That helped a bit. I also decided to stop drinking, as I know that alcohol doesn't help me with my anxiety/depression, it deepens it.


Another thing I did was kick a very toxic friendship to the curb. I had kept this so called friend around, telling myself, I'd be so lonely without her - truth is, I never felt so alone/low/down on myself as when I was with her. I have since come to recognize and listen to that voice inside of me that tells me when someone is worthy of my friendship or not. My anxiety and depression at the time, had made it very hard to know what I was worthy of.

Other tools that I started to pack into my tool box: social media breaks, more Podcasts, picking up my camera and documenting my life - I find this very therapeutic and meditative.


So here I am this summer, feeling so much more calm and ok with long stretches with my kids, and less action packed days. This summer has been one of down time. Yes there have been little day trips and beaches, a few visitors and some camping, but there have also been afternoons of lego, playdates, TV and that's ok! I'm not stressing. I'm yelling less. I'm not in a state of rushing/busyness. It's nice.


I'm not saying that my depression/anxiety is gone forever, but right now, I have seen huge improvements, and the improvements have been made by me. I think there's something important about finding the answers, about searching for solutions, about mapping out your own life. Before, I would have described myself and my life as lost, lonely, out of control, hard. Now I see myself having ownership and responsibility over my own happiness and well being. Such a huge fucking difference. 

breathe in, breathe out, repeat

Looking back on my last post, I am a little bit heart broken over how I let my emotions consume Christmas day. I am thankful for the time that has since passed between December 25th and now. I am thankful for the space, for the quiet, for the calm that comes after the storm. 

Since Christmas, I have been taking walks, talking a lot to good friends and my sister (so so so thankful for listening ears),  been to the emergency room (once again with Wes), been feeling supported by Winslow, been looking forward to good things to come for 2017. 

2016 wasn't easy in many ways for us. Financially we had a rough year. Support wise, we had to learn to juggle 3 kids with no help. Emotionally, we have had to start from scratch in making friends, it's been slow, but I am thankful to have a small handful of people who I count as friends. There have been many lessons that 2016 has taught me, and I suppose, seeing that we are on the other side now, I am in a place where I can accept those lessons. 

There are still a few days left of 2016, and I am doing my best to salvage what is left of the holidays and enjoy our time together as a family. 

xox 

fair february

Lemon Blueberry Scones. When baked, we put a lemon glaze on them. They were good. Ummm... diet? Ya.. that's another story for another day. 

I am happy to see January come to an end. 

The past month was a hard one, for many reasons. I am happy to be turning the page on our calendar and turning over a new leaf in my mind space. 

A few things made January hard. Cold cold temps, the end of the holiday season, worrying about loved ones, the tragic death of Cst. Wynn, ongoing dysfunction at the community club (I have since resigned from my position on the Board) and seasonal depression. 

Depression is hard, because no matter how many people tell you to, "look on the sunny side" or "get out of the house, go for a walk, or do some exercise", it doesn't matter. Seasonal depression stops me in my tracks and being isolated does't help me. I can honestly tell you, I got through the last month by letting the kids watch a lot of TV and talking on the phone daily to friends and family, who helped me get through it. Just being honest. 

But now the light is returning, and even though it is still bitterly cold (-30 to -40 temps) we are feeling like we are moving forwards in the season, and we have many things to look forward to. 

February is promising to be a month of adventures and opportunities, for myself and the whole family. A birthday celebration for the man of the house (Winslow), a photography assignment with my bestie Sarah, Valentines Day (the kids care more about this than Winslow and I do), and last but not least, a much anticipated vacation to Maui with our neighbours Chrissie and James. Thank goodness for things on the horizon.

The past few weeks in homeschooling have been hard for me. The kids were enthusiastic enough, but with my seasonal depression, I found it so hard to find the motivation and energy to want to do it. 

I felt so guilty about it and was in a rut. 

The first  week of January we did a unit on Hibernation and Winter animals, we also read/re-enacted the story of The Mitten. It went well and we all enjoyed it. 

The second week of January was all about Winter. We played educational winter themed games, read winter stories, and started some early Valentine crafts (to send in the mail to family). 

The last few weeks of January homeschooling were tough for me. Like I said, the motivation as not there and I had to completely bi-pass it a few times. It was very cold here and we were housebound for many of the days. I also had some envy of those homeschoolers who live in bigger towns and centers. It was hard to hear about all the dance classes, art classes and other places to go, when I was essentially housebound with the children. I know, envy is not a good attribute to have... but we are human and it is a normal emotion to have. 

Some of the activities that got us through those weeks were crafts and baking. I had the children decorate ziplock bags and fill them with homemade cookies to give to the teachers and helpers in the community. It was easy for me and something that the children got a lot of joy out of. Baking is such a comforting activity to do with kids. 

Now that we are into the month of February (and will be in Hawaii for half of it), we are excited and happy to move on in our homeschool adventures. 

In an attempt to shake things up a bit, I decided to designate some special "writing" stations for the kids to use. Each area comes already set up with "writing" tools such as pencils, markers, alphabet stamps, alphabet stickers, and othe do-dads. For Noah's area, I wrote out a few key words that he may recognize and gave him a postcard template to look at (he has blank postcards to write on). 

And even though Katia is too young to be writing, I think that it is good to encourage her to express herself through different mediums, and I can scribe for her if she wants something written out. 

One thing that was neat, I found her scribbling (from LEFT to RIGHT) and she told me she was writing- looks like a good start to me! 

I have also been trying to include a song or poem each week into our homeschool units. 

We had a poem for our Hibernating unit, and we did 5 Little Snowmen (with stick puppets) for our Winter Unit. This week, I am playing the ukulele and we are singing You Are My Sunshine. I find bringing song and poems into our units, helps the idea to stay in our mind, and it is a joyful was to express ourselves. 

One more addition to our homeschool days are some clapping games and beanbag games. I sewed up these simple beanbags and looked up some games to do with them. We do balancing games and tossing games. It is a good way to get the kids to focus and zone in on homeschooling. The clapping game we play is where the leader claps a simple rhythm and the others have to listen, then they copy the rhythm. It is good for concentration, pattern recognition and working on listening skills ;) 

The last two weeks of homeschool will be all about the ocean, beach and sea turtles. We will be in Hawaii and I plan to sneak in some very "hands on" homeschooling with the kids. No worksheets- no way! Just exploration, books, and lots of adventures!

So there we go. A little re-cap of our past few weeks. 

I hope the February brings a fresh start to anyone who is seeking it. 

Love and peace. 

xox

motherhood... a journey

I wrote this post well over 2 weeks ago and debated about whether I should post it or not. It is pretty personal. I decided that I would post it because I think the topic of depression and motherhood is one that is often kept "hush hush", yet I have found so much support and love from other mothers who have gone through what I have gone through. Thank you to all those dear friends who have helped me out recently by listening and being there. It has meant so much to me.
....So here we go....

Motherhood... oh motherhood, it is so much more deep than I ever expected. There are so many ways to be a mother, and I am learning that everyday. I can't quite find the words, nothing seems enough, to  explain this crazy journey, but I am pleased to say that I have been taking some time to really think about it on many levels. And it feels good.
Something happened a few months ago, a conversation actually, that had me stop and really think about my responsibility as a parent to my children. It was painful for me to go back and think about some of the things that happened to me during childhood, and it is something that I plan on working on over the next while. But no matter how painful it was to me, I am thankful for the opportunity that it provided me with. An opportunity to look at my journey as a mother and to see things from a different perspective.
At this point in my mothering journey, I'd say I'm in the thick of it. We have two amazingly young and sweet children whom I get to spend my days with. This is my job. I don't wake up and go to a workplace everyday, no, our home, the backyard, parks, and going on outings is my place of work. Some people may think that that sounds delightfully simple and stress free, and while for the most part, this is true, I also find some days to be extremely hard, just like any other job.
Back to being in the thick of it. So we have two beautiful young children, whom I spend my days with. Whom I spend my days teaching,  playing with, cleaning up after, feeding, nurturing, taking care of, and worrying about. It never stops, even when I am exhausted. Even if I am feeling exceptionally down or depressed, I still have to carry on being their mother. It can be hard,  this job called motherhood. In fact, some would argue, the hardest (yet most rewarding job in the world).
In my first few years as a mother (I'm going on 4 years you know), I strived for perfection. I threw myself into being the perfect mama and it pretty much became who I was. Healthy food, clean home, educational play, books, outdoor time, craft time, no TV time.... it was great that I poured myself into it, but it was so hard when I would fail my own expectations. I honestly would feel guilt and worry over letting Noah watch TV or if he didn't get "x" amount of veggies into his system that day. I have since let that need for perfection go, and I'm happy to say that I am a better mama for it. I'm happier and nicer, I think. That's not to say that I don't strive for those same things today, I just don't allow myself to feel so horrible if it doesn't work out as planned.
Lately I've been going through a difficult time. Seasonal depression, burn out and a mix of old memories coming forth. Fun times... well not really. But I am happy to say that I feel like I am coming out the other side of it all and have learnt a lot about myself (and motherhood is a big part of who I am).
I am currently reading this great book, Momma Zen, and am thankful for the message that is given in the book. Ride the wave, be aware of the good and bad, most importantly- motherhood is a journey that can be spiritual.
There is that saying that, the days are long but the years are short, and oh how that is true. Coming out of a dark time, I can look back and see that even though it was a difficult time, I am still here and we are still trudging along.
I decided to write this out in hopes of opening up the lines of discussion about motherhood, depression, and just getting through it all. While I have done a good job at painting a picture of having a beautiful life here on this blog over the years, it hasn't always been the truth. Not that I have lied, I've just chosen  not to document the dark stuff. And while I still don't like to dwell on the more difficult aspects of day to day life, I think that it is okay to be open and honest with ourselves. It's okay to say, "hey, I'm having a shit day.... or a shit few months".... that's okay.
I've always appreciated the Buddhist sentiments of living in the present. Living through the good and bad. Accepting it too. And that is what I will continue to do. I will also continue to try my best to focus on the good things in life, the many blessings, as I think this is a sure way to find true happiness.
So... what do you think?
xox