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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

embracing the light

The days have been stretching out, longer and longer. At first I felt uneasy with the change in our daily rhythm. I wasn't sure if I could keep up with the extra energy it involves. When the sun doesn't set until nearly 9pm, the kids find their second wind and want to keep on going. Gone are the days of early bedtimes. Instead, they ask for extra bike rides, play time, and they toss and turn till they finally rest. 
It took me a few weeks to come to. I admit, I wasn't thrilled at first. My grumpy mama-self wanted her cherished hour or two to herself in the evening. But then I slowly came to accept the sunlight, streaming into our bedrooms and the extra walks after dinner. And then naturally, I just decided to embrace the longer days, and treat them as a gift. Instead of fighting it, I made my mind up to take advantage of this time we all have together. And I am much happier for it. 


With the warmer weather, and holidays (Mother's Day and Victoria Day), we have been taking advantage of the free admission to the local Parks Canada sites. We visited the Fort Anne and Grand-Pre National Historic Sites, and both are such lovely places to go to. I highly recommend that people check out their local Parks Canada spots and use the free Canada 150 passes! 

And back at home, I have been working away in the garden and it feel so so so good. Whoever said that gardening is stress relieving, really is right! Just the simple and repetitive task of weeding, tending and organizing, is so calming and zenful. I am quite happy to wander out into the garden to see what has grown over night, what flowers have popped up, or how my sunflowers and veggies are coming along. I have high hopes that this will be the year that the sunflowers I have planted will produce. I planted some seeds in the ground and also started some indoors. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. Sunflowers are my absolute favourite flower.


So there you have it. Spring is here. We are getting out a lot. Oh and I forgot to mention, Wesley is especially busy these days, so being out of the house is a lot easier for me, than staying home (more messes to clean up when we are at home).

Happy Spring days to you and yours.

Monday, May 1, 2017

grace, kindness and letting go

 This week has been one of self reflection. I am tired and worn out, yet I feel good.  It feels good to feel. It feels good to come to some conclusions. It feels good to turn corners. 
I've been looking for answers, and in doing that, I've come to see that I must listen to my inner voice. I must trust her. Today was hard. For some reason my self doubt and anxiety decided to make an appearance, and I really felt it come out. Persistent worrying, negative thoughts running loops in my head, physical symptoms too. And all I could do was trudge on. 
I haven't found a magic answer to why I get this way, or how to best deal with it, but I'm learning to give myself space, grace and to look for some self acceptance.  Last night I just decided that sleep would have to do the trick. I said a few kind words to myself  and gave myself permission to let go of the day. 


And on a completely different note, Spring is here and we are taking every opportunity that comes our way to be outdoors! Being outside, surrounded by nature definitely helps calm my nervs, and chills my kids oit when they are high strung. Whether we're down by the bay (Bay of Fundy), in the forest, on a trail, or just in our backyard... the outdoors have been calling us and it feels so good. One of the most simple but enjoyable things has been picnics and eating on our back deck. It's one of the best parts of Spring! 

On Saturday we joined a really great group called the Young Naturalist Club of NS. Each month they organize a free walk, often with a specialist there to help identify discoveries. We had the excitement of finding frog and salamander eggs, as well as a real living salamander! We also saw a beaver damn, many trees chewed by the beavers, bugs, caterpillars and slugs! What a great morning for us all to be together, out on the land and learning about nature. 


Tuesday, April 18, 2017

who I am

We just returned from a 10 day whirl wind of a trip from Ottawa. Our trip was a well planned out surprise visit, where we showed up on Winslow's parents' door step, completely unannounced. We timed it with the celebration of our niece's and nephew's birthdays, as well as with Easter. And it was good. So very good to go home and be with our people. 
For the first time in a very long time, I have really been pondering the thought of where I see our family living. For years, it felt right to me that we continue on with our adventure of transferring all over the country. Our family was young, and it just felt so right for us to have this solid family foundation. But over the last year, I have found myself asking more and more, should we be closer to our family and friends in Ottawa? 
I'm not sure what the answer is. I really am not sure. I love it here in Nova Scotia. I even had this vivid dream before we knew that we were moving here, that I was pushing Wesley (before I was pregnant with him) in a stroller, while Katia skipped beside me holding my hand, and Noah ran ahead. We were in Lunenburg, on a little day trip. We were living in Nova Scotia. 
There is so much that I love about here. The pace. The easy going attitude. The kind people. The ocean. The vibe. But I can't deny it, I've been lonely here .... and I've given it a good honest go at making friends. 
Last Christmas was undeniably lonely. I had never experienced feeling so far from family, even though we had spent many Christmases away from family before.... this was different. Up North, it seemed most people were away from family too. We banded together, and got through the holidays on a united front, but this year, it was not like that at all. It was then that I realized, most people who live here in NS are from here, and they have their people.... they have their family. 
In an attempt to be honest with myself, I am coming to see that I think, over the past 10 years of being an RCMP family, I liked having an excuse to stay away for the holidays. 
It's not a secret, that my family's dynamics are dysfunctional ( as I child, going through counselling, I knew what that word meant), and being home for the holidays in the past gave me feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. But now, many of these feelings and dynamics have changed and I feel so much more in control of my surroundings. 
I'm not sure why I saying all this. Perhaps it was the long car ride from Ottawa back to NS, that gave me the opportunity to look back at our visit and reflect. Seeing my closest friends. Having the holidays with our families. Feeling surrounded and loved. Seeing my children completely happy with their cousins and friends. Are we missing out on this? Are we denying ourselves something so important? Or what if we just make the effort to come home more often. Thanksgiving and Christmas are on our radar. Would that be enough? 
So here I am. Back home, and back to our lives. It feels nice to be home again, I'll say that. And a walk on the beach is happening ... like as soon as possible. It feels good, so good to be here... but I'll be honest... a little piece of my heart was left back in Ottawa, and it confuses the hell out of me.