hi there

Oh hi there! It's been a while hasn't it? Life is busy in our household, and while I try to pick up my camera almost everyday, it's seldom that I come here to write. That makes me somewhat sad. I was so good about documenting Noah and Katia's early years, but for Wes, I don't get to do it as much. I should add though, we do have our fun, and I share it quite a bit on Instagram- but a good blog post is definitely in order. 

So what's new in our lives?
This past winter was full of basketball for Noah and hockey and Brownies for Katia. It's definitely been a song and dance, trying to juggle our busy schedules, but somehow we make it work and the kids have had fun with their activities.
I began substitute teaching this past Fall, and continue to do it every week. Right now my schedule only allows for 2-3 days a week, and to be honest, it's a nice amount for us … for now. I would love to get a contract at somepoint, especially if it is for Art, but for now, substitute teaching is just the right amount of work for me.
Over March Break we had a little 2 night family getaway to White Point Resort. We played old games (table tennis, foosball), did crafts, had walks on the windy beach, found bunnies (they are everywhere), enjoyed the music, the bonefires, and swam. There was a lending library of DVDs and card games... and the food! Oh the food was amazing!
What's new with Wesley? Well he's a busy boy, who loves trucks, riding his bike, playing with and BUGGING his older brother and sister. He loves his dog "Ay-wee" (Ryder), and I think it's cute that he gets to spend so much of his time with Ryder. Wes is a bit of a homebody, and takes some coaxing to go out and do things, but more recently he has been up for adventures such a library trips, playing at Cottontale (a local indoor play café) or out with friends.
And for me? I've been challenging myself to be in more photos with my kids. I came up with the lofty goal or producing one Motherhood selfportrait a week, so that is keeping me busy. My goal stemmed from the idea that I really don't get in the frame very often with my kids. Somedays, my shots are of me and the kids, doing regular stuff like drawing with chalk, having breakfast, or skating. Other times, my shots are of just me, down by the water or drinking my coffee- alone! It's just about letting go of my insecurities, and embracing myself as I am (extra weight, grey hairs, leggings and all!).

I also feel the need to share, how over the past year, I have found a real sense of peace and happiness within. I've done a lot of self work over the past year, and feel that I am in such an amazing place in my life. I've made friends here, that truly are the types of people I want to be around, and give my energy to. I'm at a place, where my spending days with my kids, no longer sets me into stress mode- I enjoy our time and days together. Yes, there are still stressful moments- but the way I react (for the most part) is much better. Most important though, I have found a self acceptance that no longer makes me feel like I have a deep void in my life. I used to long for family, someone to help me (us), and I never wanted to be alone. Now I am at this place where I am very happy with the life I/we have. And it feels so good!
The days are turning longer, and we've had a few days of warm sunny weather. We've had our first icecream at Hennigars and two trips to Baxter's Harbour to explore the shoreline. Spring is around the corner and I'm feeling like this is going to be a good one. Hope everyone is having a lovely start to Spring.
xox

end of an era

I didn't anticipate that I'd feel these many complicated emotions, when I decided that I would stop breastfeeding. It was a decision that I had been talking about for a long time, and I knew it was time. When Wes and I would lay down for a nap or bedtime, it was habit that he would ask for "nummy nas". I would give it to him, and know that he would settle down, and eventually fall asleep.
But over the last month or so, I began to have a real aversion to nursing him. When he would nurse,  I'd suddenly cringe and would want to crawl out of my skin - a sure sign that I was done with this part of our relationship. The problem, is that he was not done with it, and given the chance, would happily continue if he could.
I slowly started cutting out nursing demands. If he'd ask, I'd distract him, and only allow it for naps and bedtime. I admit, I had a feeling he'd cut out naps if I stopped nursing - so that was one reason that I kept on going - it's soften the only chance I have in the day to have some alone time. 
Then finally, a few days ago, I decided this was it. I strongly held my ground and said no to him when he asked, and man it was hard. Tears, sobbing, pleas. I felt so horrible and conflicted. I wanted to soothe him the way he wanted me to, but I knew it wasn't serving me well anymore. 
So here we are, about 5 days in and I feel like we turned a corner. He sometimes asks for it out of habit, but quickly realizes it's not going to happen. We cuddle a lot. We cozy up with Noah's old yellow blanket, that Wes has now adopted as his own. We hold onto his panda stuffy. 
For me, I really didn't anticipate these conflicted feelings. It feels so final. I feels like a chapter has closed, for Wes and I, but also for me personally. As a mother, combined, I nursed my kids for almost 5 years, and now it's all done. Ending this chapter is a reminder that I will never hold a newborn again (that is mine), I'll never feed a baby from my body, ... that I'm getting older. 
The other night, I had a crazy dream. I was with my friend Jenn, who just had a baby. I asked to hold him (as I usually do), and then suddenly I found myself driving away with him. I was stealing her baby! When he started to cry, I debated nursing him- but even in my dream, I knew that was wrong, so I found my way back to my friend. Yikes. If that doesn't scream personal turmoil, I'm not sure what does. 
So here's to that beautiful, tough, hard, painful, exhausting, emotional,  amazing, indescribable time of my life. I will miss it, but I know it is time. 

slow down

It's not uncommon to find one, if not more kids in my bed at night time. This is not just an occasional thing. I always, and I mean always, have a kid in my bed.
It's no secret that we are co-sleepers in this house. Not your jam? No problem. I get it. Half the time, I fantasize about having our bed all to ourselves too, the other half of the time, I pause and wish with all my might that I will always remember what this feels like.
The kids are growing up. It happens. And I know,  I'm not the only parent to feel this - but oh, how it kind of hurts, to realize that time is not slowing down.
I look at Noah somedays, and take in his face. It's changing. He's taller.
He's asking more complex questions. He's able to go to over night camps - like its no big deal. But he also comes back to me for comfort and refuge- and I'm holding onto those moments. I'm making them count.
Katia is my sweet little six year old. Still in the stage of make believe and play. But I look to her older brother, and know that this time is short- and she won't be here much longer. I remind myself to slow down and take her all in. I tell myself to take my time when I brush or wash her hair. I listen at her door, when I can hear her playing by herself with her toy animals - making up stories and names and voices.  Take it in, I tell myself. Enjoy this now.
And Wes, still my baby, still asking for "nummy nas and bubbas" (nursing and his blanket)...yes, he's still my baby, and always will be- but he is growing and changing so fast too. In January, we were worried about his speech - or there lack of. Now there is no slowing him down. A lady at church commented on his vocabulary. He just can't stop with his questions and observations.
Recently the province of Nova Scotia, announced that they will begin a pre-kindergarten program in our town. Wesley will begin school, one year earlier than we initially thought.
While this may seem like a hard pill to swallow, I am also ready for this. It means we have one more year together, to build those foundations, to go to storytimes, to go on nature walks, to cuddle at nap time. I will make that year count.
From a mama that is standing on the cusp of a new stage of motherhood, I'm here to say this.  It's exciting, but it's also bittersweet. The day to day reality of having my kids get older, is that it is getting easier. The hard part, is that when you slow down enough, you can see that it really does go fast. My advice?  Take it all in. The good, the bad, the hard, the tiring bits ... all of it. And slow down. Learn to enjoy play doh and stickers - one day they won't care for it any more. Read to them as much as you can - one day they won't be interested in those books. Help them wash their hair, and brush their teeth. Enjoy the privilege of being a parent, it's a greatest gift there is.

midwinter

It's a quiet time of year right now. We have no upcoming travel plans, and we are doing our best to tighten our spending. Meal planning is in full force, and we are trying to just get through the winter days, as best we can. Many days at home, often lead me to thinking ahead. This time of year, often has me dreaming of warmer and sunnier days, and so I begin to make my summer plans.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home with the kids. Yes, there are the downfalls of not having the extra income (no big trips, no disposable income - thrift shopping is where it's at!, camping instead of cottages), but for us, the rewards outweigh the consequences, and we are generally, very happy with our lifestyle. Because I stay home with the kids, we have a very flexible schedule and we often take off for day trips, or we can sneak away mid week when Winslow has time off.

While I have moved away from using the term "Bucket List", when it comes to Christmas and other times of year, I still do like to make a "Summer Wish List", because I worry that we might miss something important, and there's only really 8 or 9 weeks of summer vacation. For me, summer is a time to squeeze every last drop, to seize the day.

So, for the sake of day dreaming at the end of  January, here are just a few things on my "Summer Wish List" ...

~ Canoe camping with the whole family at Keji NP.

~ Camping in Cape Breton. It captured our hearts last year, and we're going back for more this year with the cousins!

~ my long anticipated attendance at Land and See. Oh my heart is almost hurting, I'm so excited. I'm so ready to fill my creative cup with fresh ideas, inspiration and knowledge. Also, 3 days to myself (kid free) will be absolutely refreshing.

~ a garden with Spring bulbs, veggies and sunflowers. 

...

And then back to the present. The long days of January, where school is often cancelled and we find ourselves at home, together. It's lovely and challenging all at once. After so many days of painting, building forts, making crafts and baking, I feel like I am running out of creativity in the home and in my parenting ways, not to mention artistically as well. 

Today I found myself really itching to get out of the house with Wesley. I decided that we'd do some errands. Just as we were almost at our turn off to go shopping, I realized that we had time to make it to the babytime at the Wolfville library. We hadn't been there in months, and I wasn't sure how Wesley would react to it (he always takes time to warm up to certain settings). So we found a chair and sat back from the group, but participated from the sidelines. In the end, he enjoyed the songs and stories (and the play kitchen afterwards), and I enjoyed bumping into my mom friends. I really see and feel the need to connect at this time of year. I'm thinking that I need to make this happen more. 

Lately I have been thinking about setting better parameters around our screen use, here in the household. Where I used to be very strict about the amount of screen time that the children got, somewhere along the way, I let go of some of my rules, and I fear that we have gotten to used to relying on them. 

The other day, after too much fighting, some rude behviour and not enough playing, I decided to "ground" the older 2 from screentime for 3 days. Believe it or not, they like the term "grounded", because friends of their had been grounded too. Maybe they like that I am enforcing rules? Maybe it's the fact that they know and like having boundaries? 

So there they were, screen free for 3 days, and right away, I could see that they were connecting better with each other and me. Once their 3 days were up, we had a conversation about how we would put some new limits on how much screen time they get throughout the week, and it made me think, perhaps I need to set limits for myself too.

I have decided to take an internet break for a few days, only allowing myself access to emails (for my photography business), texting (my line to the outside world) and the occasional movie on Netflix (we have no TV). This means, I will not be checking Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest for a set amount of time. Instagram will be the hardest.  I'm gonna put away my phone. I'm  going to pick up my camera, pick up my paint brushes, pick up the phone (to talk on- not to browse). I'm gonna go for walks, have friends over for playdates and coffee, go to the library. 

So wish me luck. I anticipate it being hard. That's ok. I need this.

family traditions, pumpkin waffles and kids.

Every Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) for the months of September and October, I make a big batch of pumpkin spice waffles for breakfast. It is tradition in our house to have waffles or pancakes for breakfast on the weekend, and sometimes bacon too. There are two things that I love about this, 1) the notion of a family tradition. 2) pumpkin spice! Hello Autumn! 

Fall is here, and as usual, we are being treated to a long and beautiful season. There have been hikes, the making of pumpkin people, pumpkin spice and apple spice baking, time for crafting, early nights and crisp mornings. I'm smitten with you Fall. You are my very favourite season. 

Other things I am loving, family traditions. We have a few traditions, that to me, are special and grounding. Family movie night always happens on a Friday night. Throughout the week, we have a no TV policy after dinner time, so Friday night is a welcomed treat for the kids. Popcorn, maybe some hot chocolate and always jammies. I love jammies. 

Other family traditions include, a blessing at dinner time and a prayer at bedtime. We may not have our faith nailed down to a specific affiliation, but that does not mean we don't teach our kids to give thanks and believe in a greater meaning. Prayers offer comfort and reassurance to ourselves and the kids. I like this. 

I love these little traditions that we have built up. I feel like they are special and unique to us. They help us build memories and take a break from the monotony of the everyday. I'm wondering if we might add some other traditions into our week. We used to do pizza Friday (like my friend Sarah), maybe we could get back into that. 

Other things to update. Noah participated in x-country running this Fall and did really well! He consistently came in around the 8th place for all 5 of his meets. 8th out of all the grade 3 boys for our school board! We were super proud of him. 

Katia has been doing a jazz/ballet class and is loving it! We can't wait for her Christmas performance in December. 

And Wesley, well he's just been happy doing his thing. We have been busy going for lots of hikes, out to the library and we've even attended some playgroups (something new for me). 

Life is chugging away, and it's a beautiful thing. 

I have been working hard these past few months at being more honest with myself and dealing with my issues, so that I don't pass them onto my kids (one of my many reasons). Also, I just want to be a happier, more balanced and peaceful self. I'm getting there. 

The other day, while out on my walk, I started to think ahead to my New Years "word". You know, the theme word that I like to choose each year. In the past it was peace, adventure, quiet. Well, I think I have it decided (a first for me), but I am not quite ready to share it. It feels good to be self reflective and to listen to myself.

I'm hoping that Fall is treating everyone out there well. May hygge be alive and well in your homes and hearts.