full circle

I feel like I have spent the better half of my adult years, searching for a sense of belonging. Part of it is that we are and RCMP family, and for the last 12 years we have been transient, but there is more to it than that, and I’ve been digging away at it for quite some time.
This past year, when we came to our 3 year Nova Scotia anniversary, my better half began to get that all too familiar RCMP transfer itch. Things were becoming a little too comfy and familiar for him. He wanted that shake up, that each past transfer gave him. I on the other hand, had no interest in moving again.
Finally, things were going really well for me personally. Professionally, socially, mentally. I was in a good place. An amazing place. I didn’t want to give it up again.
We had many  late night conversations. I had many  panic attacks. I cried. We fought. We discussed. It was an uncertain time, one that was met with a lot of worry and anxiety (on my part).
After a few weeks of going back and forth, we came to a middle ground, and decided that a protentional move to Ottawa could be the solution. We began to look seriously into it. We looked at work options and housing options. We made the mistake of sharing this with the kids and our family. It felt like it could be right, but it also felt like we were giving up so much.
Perhaps it’s with age. Perhaps we have found the perfect place for us. But when we were going through these difficult few months, all that kept coming back to me was how great we have it where we are. Our town, the community there, our neighbours, my friends that I have carefully made. The photography clientele I have built, the possibilities of continuing with teaching, the options for Winslow. The landscape, the ocean, the camping, the forests. It’s what I have been searching for and wanting for so long, and now we are certain that it is where we want to be. But beyond the fact that I love Nova Scotia so much, I feel like I have come to a place in my life that I have been looking for, for such a long time. I am at such a peaceful place in my life and I'm not willing to give that up. Yes, we are giving up the dream of living close to family- which is a big pill to swallow, but for the first time in my adult years, I don't feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I used to search for something that was missing... something that stemmed from not having a strong/healthy/consistent relationship with my parents and not having a "family home" to ever return to. I was always missing, grieving, searching for a substitute to that - but I no longer feel that void. 
So here we are. We've come full circle, to decide that this is where we are going to plant our roots. It feels good, so good. And I'm happy. 

one year later

It's the thick of the summer. I've been at home with all three kids, non stop, with very little in the ways of help/breaks, and while this might sound like the perfect recipe for a mama going mad, here I am doing pretty well.

Last year, things weren't quite so even keel. I found myself often panicked. I found myself on edge/angry/nervous... pretty much all the time. When Winslow would have to leave for long days of work, or go out of town for work- I would spiral into a mess of anxiety and depression, immediately worried about how we would get through the minutes/hours/days.


I would busy myself, packing our days full, just so that I would have a plan. The thought of not having a plan freaked me out. Down time scared me. I'm not sure why. I think I just thought the days would crawl by if I didn't plan them out. I was scared of the slowness of time.


Looking back, I can definitely see that this was anxiety/depression. I eventually came to terms with the fact that I need to talk to someone, and I did. That helped a bit. I also decided to stop drinking, as I know that alcohol doesn't help me with my anxiety/depression, it deepens it.


Another thing I did was kick a very toxic friendship to the curb. I had kept this so called friend around, telling myself, I'd be so lonely without her - truth is, I never felt so alone/low/down on myself as when I was with her. I have since come to recognize and listen to that voice inside of me that tells me when someone is worthy of my friendship or not. My anxiety and depression at the time, had made it very hard to know what I was worthy of.

Other tools that I started to pack into my tool box: social media breaks, more Podcasts, picking up my camera and documenting my life - I find this very therapeutic and meditative.


So here I am this summer, feeling so much more calm and ok with long stretches with my kids, and less action packed days. This summer has been one of down time. Yes there have been little day trips and beaches, a few visitors and some camping, but there have also been afternoons of lego, playdates, TV and that's ok! I'm not stressing. I'm yelling less. I'm not in a state of rushing/busyness. It's nice.


I'm not saying that my depression/anxiety is gone forever, but right now, I have seen huge improvements, and the improvements have been made by me. I think there's something important about finding the answers, about searching for solutions, about mapping out your own life. Before, I would have described myself and my life as lost, lonely, out of control, hard. Now I see myself having ownership and responsibility over my own happiness and well being. Such a huge fucking difference. 

midwinter

It's a quiet time of year right now. We have no upcoming travel plans, and we are doing our best to tighten our spending. Meal planning is in full force, and we are trying to just get through the winter days, as best we can. Many days at home, often lead me to thinking ahead. This time of year, often has me dreaming of warmer and sunnier days, and so I begin to make my summer plans.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home with the kids. Yes, there are the downfalls of not having the extra income (no big trips, no disposable income - thrift shopping is where it's at!, camping instead of cottages), but for us, the rewards outweigh the consequences, and we are generally, very happy with our lifestyle. Because I stay home with the kids, we have a very flexible schedule and we often take off for day trips, or we can sneak away mid week when Winslow has time off.

While I have moved away from using the term "Bucket List", when it comes to Christmas and other times of year, I still do like to make a "Summer Wish List", because I worry that we might miss something important, and there's only really 8 or 9 weeks of summer vacation. For me, summer is a time to squeeze every last drop, to seize the day.

So, for the sake of day dreaming at the end of  January, here are just a few things on my "Summer Wish List" ...

~ Canoe camping with the whole family at Keji NP.

~ Camping in Cape Breton. It captured our hearts last year, and we're going back for more this year with the cousins!

~ my long anticipated attendance at Land and See. Oh my heart is almost hurting, I'm so excited. I'm so ready to fill my creative cup with fresh ideas, inspiration and knowledge. Also, 3 days to myself (kid free) will be absolutely refreshing.

~ a garden with Spring bulbs, veggies and sunflowers. 

...

And then back to the present. The long days of January, where school is often cancelled and we find ourselves at home, together. It's lovely and challenging all at once. After so many days of painting, building forts, making crafts and baking, I feel like I am running out of creativity in the home and in my parenting ways, not to mention artistically as well. 

Today I found myself really itching to get out of the house with Wesley. I decided that we'd do some errands. Just as we were almost at our turn off to go shopping, I realized that we had time to make it to the babytime at the Wolfville library. We hadn't been there in months, and I wasn't sure how Wesley would react to it (he always takes time to warm up to certain settings). So we found a chair and sat back from the group, but participated from the sidelines. In the end, he enjoyed the songs and stories (and the play kitchen afterwards), and I enjoyed bumping into my mom friends. I really see and feel the need to connect at this time of year. I'm thinking that I need to make this happen more. 

Lately I have been thinking about setting better parameters around our screen use, here in the household. Where I used to be very strict about the amount of screen time that the children got, somewhere along the way, I let go of some of my rules, and I fear that we have gotten to used to relying on them. 

The other day, after too much fighting, some rude behviour and not enough playing, I decided to "ground" the older 2 from screentime for 3 days. Believe it or not, they like the term "grounded", because friends of their had been grounded too. Maybe they like that I am enforcing rules? Maybe it's the fact that they know and like having boundaries? 

So there they were, screen free for 3 days, and right away, I could see that they were connecting better with each other and me. Once their 3 days were up, we had a conversation about how we would put some new limits on how much screen time they get throughout the week, and it made me think, perhaps I need to set limits for myself too.

I have decided to take an internet break for a few days, only allowing myself access to emails (for my photography business), texting (my line to the outside world) and the occasional movie on Netflix (we have no TV). This means, I will not be checking Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest for a set amount of time. Instagram will be the hardest.  I'm gonna put away my phone. I'm  going to pick up my camera, pick up my paint brushes, pick up the phone (to talk on- not to browse). I'm gonna go for walks, have friends over for playdates and coffee, go to the library. 

So wish me luck. I anticipate it being hard. That's ok. I need this.

journey

In November, I was out for a walk when my mind started moving ahead to the New Year. I thought about how my previous word of the year had come to me in that forest, and I wondered what my word for 2018 would be.
While walking along, I was struck with how 2017 was such a year of growth for me. A year, where I finally learned to become my own friend, and be the person I needed to be.
2017 was a year where I learned to accept that I had anxiety and needed help with it. I learned that I needed to face on my fears, sadness, disappointments and that I could carry on and let them go. It was liberating.
2017 was also a year for deciding that enough was enough, when I found myself surrounded by toxic friendships. Quite frankly, I was able to gain some clarity and walk away from some very negative and abusive relationships. It wasn't easy. I had told myself that I needed such "friendships", it's easy to be vulnerable when you move quite often and need to start over again. Once I had come to terms with this, it seems so much balanced out for me, and the friends that I really needed were right there in front of me.
2017 was a year for learning to say no when I need to. Finding my voice, being assertive, and making big decisions for myself , doesn't come easy for me. Somewhere along the line this year, I decided that I needed to be an adult when it comes to making decisions in my life, and that at the end of the day, it is my life - I need to do what is best for me. Saying no sometimes means disappointing people who I love. It sometimes means boundaries are made. It means putting my needs first. It's not easy. It's scary. But it feels so good to be that person who I need to be.
So when I took account of all this growth, the word journey kept coming to me. Journey felt so appropriate. Things are not perfect. I am learning and growing, but something has really shifted in me over the last year. Confidence? Maturing? Probably a bit of both. But I am happy, and feel that I am just beginning on this journey of being a happy and healthy individual.

...

We are just a few days after New Years. I love this time of year. It's when I best feel ready to read new books, try new ideas, instil new goals.
I also love the fact that with the cold dark months, we are given permission to slow down, hibernate and be cozy together. This week we are preparing for our first winter storm of the year. Already we are expecting a "snow day"- no school. The cold winds, make us retreat inside- crafts, cooking, books, games become our focus. I like that our days are centered around togetherness. It's very hyggeligt.

So happy New Year friends. Wishing you all nothing but the best.
xox

this christmas ...

This Christmas I am ...

~ letting go of past hurt
~ only doing the things, traditions, activities that I want to do
~ taking care of myself
~ letting go of perfection
~ embracing the moment
~ not stressing about getting it all done
~ taking time to enjoy our decorations
~ sipping lots of Christmas herbal tea
~ making time to see friends
~ not stressing about having a clean house
~ loving on my family

November wrap up and beyond!

There's so much to catch up on, a month's worth of moments, memories, revelations, lessons.
November came and went quite quickly (as it always seems to do).
We had a short visit over to PEI to see my mom, and that went .... well as expected.
My relationship, history and everything is complicated with my mom. To simplify the whole story, I usually tell people that ask, "my mom has never had very good mental health", but the truth is, there is so much ore to it, and things that I am still uncovering.
It's complicated when I go to visit her, but I do it. I do it for her. I do it for the kids to have some memory of her. I do it for myself too, I suppose. Still, it's not easy.

...

November also brought the first round of illness to our family.  It was a good 2 weeks of the kids taking turns at staying home from school, and myself feeling utterly horrid. Two words, sinus infection. Ouch! Glad that's over.

...

And the end of November brought us one very special girl's birthday. Katia turned 6. Although I said this to her, you've always seemed much older than you are. When you were 2, you acted like a 4 year old... so to me, it was always strange calling her 5, because she acts so grown up and independent.
This year for Katia's birthday party, we held a pretend sleepover party. This meant, everyone wore pyjamas. We had pizza. Did fun "sleep over" games like, Broken Telephone and the Question Ball. We had our teenage babysitter and her friend come to our house and do the girl's nails, and of course we watched a movie and had popcorn. It was the most fun and easiest party we've ever held.
For Katia's actual birthday, we got her a special gift - her own fish! When Noah turned 6, he got a fish tank in his room, and Katia would not let us forget that it was her turn for a fish! So meet her new fish Teal. Her favourite colour!

...

And so that brings us up to December! Wow, I can't believe the holidays are here in front of us.
I am trying to finish up the last of my 2017 photo sessions and then will madly be making some Christmas gifts (note to self, start in the summer next year!).
I'll be honest, at first, the thought of Christmas started to make me feel anxious and unhappy. I was worried that feelings of loneliness and sadness would start to take over. For many reasons, the holidays are not always easy for me. But then, after taking some time to really address some of the reasons I feel this way, I started to look at the holidays differently.
Instead of trying to supress and push away those feelings of sadness, I decided to face them- head on. I wanted to know where they were coming from, and how I could deal with it.
I also decided that for years, I had put a lot of pressure on myself to make the holidays "perfect" (which we all know, does NOT exist). In years past, I would busy myself with crafts and baking and high expectations. I think I thought that if I tried hard enough, the happy and perfect memories would become real. Instead, this lead me to anxiety and stress.
So this year I am giving myself permission to do as much or as little as I want. I am also really asking myself, if what I am doing serves me (not just the kids). There's no use in having a stressed out mom at Christmas. It's just not fun.
So here we are, into December, and choosing only to do the activities that I really enjoy.
So far, we've done: decorate your own gingerbread houses (aka, graham crackers), organizing a caroling party,