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Saturday, December 29, 2018

full circle

I feel like I have spent the better half of my adult years, searching for a sense of belonging. Part of it is that we are and RCMP family, and for the last 12 years we have been transient, but there is more to it than that, and I’ve been digging away at it for quite some time.
This past year, when we came to our 3 year Nova Scotia anniversary, my better half began to get that all too familiar RCMP transfer itch. Things were becoming a little too comfy and familiar for him. He wanted that shake up, that each past transfer gave him. I on the other hand, had no interest in moving again.
Finally, things were going really well for me personally. Professionally, socially, mentally. I was in a good place. An amazing place. I didn’t want to give it up again.
We had many  late night conversations. I had many  panic attacks. I cried. We fought. We discussed. It was an uncertain time, one that was met with a lot of worry and anxiety (on my part).
After a few weeks of going back and forth, we came to a middle ground, and decided that a protentional move to Ottawa could be the solution. We began to look seriously into it. We looked at work options and housing options. We made the mistake of sharing this with the kids and our family. It felt like it could be right, but it also felt like we were giving up so much.
Perhaps it’s with age. Perhaps we have found the perfect place for us. But when we were going through these difficult few months, all that kept coming back to me was how great we have it where we are. Our town, the community there, our neighbours, my friends that I have carefully made. The photography clientele I have built, the possibilities of continuing with teaching, the options for Winslow. The landscape, the ocean, the camping, the forests. It’s what I have been searching for and wanting for so long, and now we are certain that it is where we want to be.
But beyond the fact that I love Nova Scotia so much, I feel like I have come to a place in my life that I have been looking for, for such a long time. I am at such a peaceful place in my life and I'm not willing to give that up. Yes, we are giving up the dream of living close to family- which is a big pill to swallow, but for the first time in my adult years, I don't feel like I am missing a piece of myself. I used to search for something that was missing... something that stemmed from not having a strong/healthy/consistent relationship with my parents and not having a "family home" to ever return to. I was always missing, grieving, searching for a substitute to that - but I no longer feel that void. 
So here we are. We've come full circle, to decide that this is where we are going to plant our roots. It feels good, so good. And I'm happy. 

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