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Tuesday, April 18, 2017

who I am




























We just returned from a 10 day whirl wind of a trip from Ottawa. Our trip was a well planned out surprise visit, where we showed up on Winslow's parents' door step, completely unannounced. We timed it with the celebration of our niece's and nephew's birthdays, as well as with Easter. And it was good. So very good to go home and be with our people. 
For the first time in a very long time, I have really been pondering the thought of where I see our family living. For years, it felt right to me that we continue on with our adventure of transferring all over the country. Our family was young, and it just felt so right for us to have this solid family foundation. But over the last year, I have found myself asking more and more, should we be closer to our family and friends in Ottawa? 
I'm not sure what the answer is. I really am not sure. I love it here in Nova Scotia. I even had this vivid dream before we knew that we were moving here, that I was pushing Wesley (before I was pregnant with him) in a stroller, while Katia skipped beside me holding my hand, and Noah ran ahead. We were in Lunenburg, on a little day trip. We were living in Nova Scotia. 
There is so much that I love about here. The pace. The easy going attitude. The kind people. The ocean. The vibe. But I can't deny it, I've been lonely here .... and I've given it a good honest go at making friends. 
Last Christmas was undeniably lonely. I had never experienced feeling so far from family, even though we had spent many Christmases away from family before.... this was different. Up North, it seemed most people were away from family too. We banded together, and got through the holidays on a united front, but this year, it was not like that at all. It was then that I realized, most people who live here in NS are from here, and they have their people.... they have their family. 
In an attempt to be honest with myself, I am coming to see that I think, over the past 10 years of being an RCMP family, I liked having an excuse to stay away for the holidays. 
It's not a secret, that my family's dynamics are dysfunctional ( as I child, going through counselling, I knew what that word meant), and being home for the holidays in the past gave me feelings of vulnerability and anxiety. But now, many of these feelings and dynamics have changed and I feel so much more in control of my surroundings. 
I'm not sure why I saying all this. Perhaps it was the long car ride from Ottawa back to NS, that gave me the opportunity to look back at our visit and reflect. Seeing my closest friends. Having the holidays with our families. Feeling surrounded and loved. Seeing my children completely happy with their cousins and friends. Are we missing out on this? Are we denying ourselves something so important? Or what if we just make the effort to come home more often. Thanksgiving and Christmas are on our radar. Would that be enough? 
So here I am. Back home, and back to our lives. It feels nice to be home again, I'll say that. And a walk on the beach is happening ... like as soon as possible. It feels good, so good to be here... but I'll be honest... a little piece of my heart was left back in Ottawa, and it confuses the hell out of me.



1 comment:

  1. I enjoy reading your thought process. You are really in tune with a lot of things family-wise so the heart strings get pulled. I understand, thoroughly, how you say most in NS are from there. It's hard to find a bosom friend when everyone around you is already entwined. I know that from personal experience.....that in the Territories everyone was displaced and opening up to others. Yes. So, I think you may find you will be moving again, either home, or to a place where hearts have room for you. How you are feeling about this seems very important to me, as well as to you. I've been going through a similar situation. I have found a friend, though, who, like me, is from somewhere else. We have such a good time. But we're older; the children are grown and gone, and our husbands' demands on our time, right now, are not great. We design and sew quilts together, my friend and I, and talk a lot, and have lunch from time to time. She makes a big difference to me. How can people live without bosom buddies? I've always had one or, sometimes, three.....come to think of it. Each different, each special, each close in her own way. So, I'm wishing you a new bosom buddy in NS, or wherever you choose to be next, so you won't be lonely long. I know what it is to have a place call to you. If you're native (American Indian), like me, this happens and can be especially strong. Others never feel the pull of place but there are places I MUST go from time to time, to renew something. It's emotional and spiritual by turns and mysterious. But I like it and I know it is part of my past's culture, so I give in to it now and then. So, I'm also wishing you a happy place, soon, one that salves your soul and bursts out in your smile. Regards, Kathie

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