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Wednesday, April 24, 2013

listening to myself

Phewf! What a few days. No, actually what a few weeks.
I'm not going to sugar coat anything here. I've been having a hard time lately. Part of me wants to pour my heart out here on my blog, because this place is where I tell my story, but lately I am finding myself wanting to keep private things private, and so I have decided to keep things vague for a reason.
What I can say is, don't worry. My marriage, my home life, my children... all of that is good and for that I am thankful. My husband and children are my rock. I wanted and waited for a long time to find my amazing husband, and I am so thankful for his support and constant love.
In a nut shell I am dealing with things from my past (childhood). For one reason or another, some difficult memories are holding me back and I am working on dealing with them. I thought I was over it all, but it seems that now that I am a mother, I am having an even harder time with understanding it all. Ah adulthood! Fun, isn't it? But it is actually. Even though it's hard some days for me, it feels good to be real with myself. It's okay to acknowledge those things. It's okay to be sad or mad or angry or upset.
Lately I've been desperately feeling the need to move. To where? I'm not sure. Actually in all honesty, I have my heart focused on when we move down South again. It won't be for a few years, and I am not wanting to live for the future, I really do like to be in "the now", but still a gal can day dream can't she? In my dreams we will be living by the coast (East Coast I hope). We'll live where the winter doesn't stretch on for months and months. We'll live somewhere where a garden will grow, where we can eat all summer long from our garden (my last 2 summers worth of work never yielded anything!). We'll live somewhere where we can go on a proper road trip. Oh I miss road trips. The kinds where you get in a car and end up in another charming town that you have never discovered. I am feeling a bit trapped at the moment I think. Road trips were always my way of escaping when I lived down South.
I hope I have not worried anyone with this post. Just thought that I should be honest. That's okay right? I want to be a happier person, a happier mama, happier friend, happier wife. For myself and for others. So I am working on it.
In an attempt to work on my happiness I am going to continue searching for the good, even when things don't feel good. It can be a hard day, but there is always some positive in there somewhere.

Things that are making me happy...
:: seeing Noah hold Katia's hand as they go for their morning walk. I didn't bring my camera with me (wish I had), but at the same time, sometimes it is nice to just tuck those memories in my mind/heart.
:: playing board games with my boy. I love he is getting to the age where he can focus long enough on a game. I love when we can hang out just him and I and play a game together. Quality time.
:: being outside, even if it is cold and still winter here. I might as well embrace it right? I might as well accept that I live in the North (where winter seems to never end), and at least enjoy this fresh clean air that we have.
:: a good show to watch. I seriously am loving and devouring Downton Abbey.
:: recognizing and honouring my feelings. It feels good to pay attention to yourself.


2 comments:

  1. I could have wrote this post. Road trips, warm weather, East Coast, feeling trapped, living in the future. I know all these feelings all too well. I also know what it's like to live with demons and try to function as if everything is fine when inside you are fighting such a battle it is exhausting. My biggest, proudest moment was admitting I needed help and finding that counselor who is my outlet. I can say I am a better wife, mother, person because I allowed myself the freedom to say "everything is not ok, I need help." I'm glad you are doing the same.

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  2. Honest is good. Sending you love, dear Jo. xo

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