end of an era

I didn't anticipate that I'd feel these many complicated emotions, when I decided that I would stop breastfeeding. It was a decision that I had been talking about for a long time, and I knew it was time. When Wes and I would lay down for a nap or bedtime, it was habit that he would ask for "nummy nas". I would give it to him, and know that he would settle down, and eventually fall asleep.
But over the last month or so, I began to have a real aversion to nursing him. When he would nurse,  I'd suddenly cringe and would want to crawl out of my skin - a sure sign that I was done with this part of our relationship. The problem, is that he was not done with it, and given the chance, would happily continue if he could.
I slowly started cutting out nursing demands. If he'd ask, I'd distract him, and only allow it for naps and bedtime. I admit, I had a feeling he'd cut out naps if I stopped nursing - so that was one reason that I kept on going - it's soften the only chance I have in the day to have some alone time. 
Then finally, a few days ago, I decided this was it. I strongly held my ground and said no to him when he asked, and man it was hard. Tears, sobbing, pleas. I felt so horrible and conflicted. I wanted to soothe him the way he wanted me to, but I knew it wasn't serving me well anymore. 
So here we are, about 5 days in and I feel like we turned a corner. He sometimes asks for it out of habit, but quickly realizes it's not going to happen. We cuddle a lot. We cozy up with Noah's old yellow blanket, that Wes has now adopted as his own. We hold onto his panda stuffy. 
For me, I really didn't anticipate these conflicted feelings. It feels so final. I feels like a chapter has closed, for Wes and I, but also for me personally. As a mother, combined, I nursed my kids for almost 5 years, and now it's all done. Ending this chapter is a reminder that I will never hold a newborn again (that is mine), I'll never feed a baby from my body, ... that I'm getting older. 
The other night, I had a crazy dream. I was with my friend Jenn, who just had a baby. I asked to hold him (as I usually do), and then suddenly I found myself driving away with him. I was stealing her baby! When he started to cry, I debated nursing him- but even in my dream, I knew that was wrong, so I found my way back to my friend. Yikes. If that doesn't scream personal turmoil, I'm not sure what does. 
So here's to that beautiful, tough, hard, painful, exhausting, emotional,  amazing, indescribable time of my life. I will miss it, but I know it is time.