I wrote this about two weeks ago, before we got the news of my sister Sarah getting very sick (more on that soon). I wasn't sure if I would post this, but after some thought, I decided that it is still important and relevant to me.
I've been doing some work lately. The kind of work that asks you to roll up your sleeves, get a little bit dirty, and dig deep into those dark corners that you often would rather ignore. This isn't the physical kind of work you might think, like house work, but personal self work.
Somewhere along the line of being a mom for the last 9 years, I lost touch with myself. Perhaps it was that newborn/infant fog or the crazy relentless non-stop busyness of chasing toddlers ... but somewhere deep in those ever evolving years, I seem to have lost touch with me.
So lately I've been taking some steps towards uncovering and getting to know myself once again. I've been asking myself some hard questions. I've been taking breaks from social media (which is HUGE for me). I've been working at slowing down my racing mind. I've given myself permission to set boundaries.
I've taken steps towards a healthier me. Walks. Vitamins. Mindfulness. Going alcohol free.
I'm not following any program. I'm not following any rules. I'm just making the changes and adjustments as I go. As I see fit.
I've decided that it's been long enough that I haven't shown myself some love. It's been long enough that I've stuffed my feelings, way down, to avoid hurt and shame. I've decided that I owe it to myself to listen to, acknowledge, nurture and love myself.
It's not always pretty. It can actually feel pretty horrible sometimes, being brutally honest with myself, but I've decided I don't like the alternative. I share this here, because it is part of my journey. My New Years word this year is journey, and it's becoming very clear to me, that yes indeed, I am on a very important journey towards a happier me.
As I wrap up this post, I wonder what exactly has caused me to feel at times so anxious, insecure, out of touch with myself. Is it motherhood, as I stated? Does it stem from my own upbringing - the dysfunction and lies? I'm not entirely sure... but I want to dig deeper and figure it out.