feeling the feels

There is a beach, about 30 mins away from my door step. I just kind of discovered it over the past few months.
One day in early April, I went and it was high tide. And high tide on the Bay of Fundy, means no beach at all. It was windy, and the waves were coming right up onto the boardwalk. It was pretty though.
Another time I went with the kids, but we had to be somewhere else, so we just took a few minutes to check it out.
But last Saturday, I made a calculated effort to gather the whole bunch of us and go to the beach. Calculated, because you really need to look at the tide schedule and make sure it is low tide when you go.
On Saturday, all the stars aligned. Low tide was to be at 8:45 in the morning. We could do that I said.
There was a bit of moaning and groaning from the peanut gallery, but once we were there, OH it was beautiful. And while there, I had so many thoughts run through my head.
Thoughts like, this is our home. This is really our home! This is where Wesley will always call his home and this beach, is our beach!
I also thought about our crazy RCMP life, and how we have called so many beautiful spots in this country our home. I thought about how lucky we've been to see such beauty, to belong to such amazing places, to feel connected to so many different spots.
I thought about Mother's Day. About how complex it all is. About how I fail at motherhood sometimes. About how I succeed at it in other ways. How I want to be a better mother. How I need to be more gentle to myself. How I love my own mother, and how she messed up so bad as a mother. Oh it's complicated this mothering business. So complicated, and beautiful, and hard, and amazing.

...

Lately I've been trying to be mindful of my anxiety. It's an ongoing battle of mine, that I recognize is affecting not just me, but my family. I find being self aware and giving myself words to use, helps. I also find, when I say no to what I cannot do, it helps too. I just know that I have little eyes watching me, and I want to show them a better way of coping with stress. Perhaps more walks on the beach are in order.

xox