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Thursday, July 9, 2015

tender heart

Last night I needed quiet and space, oh so bad.
We had plans to have neighbours over to play a board game or two, but during the process of putting Noah and Katia down, I nearly fell asleep myself, and decided that I needed a quiet night, just to myself to collect myself. With Winslow at the detachment, working on our truck, I took the opportunity, listened to what my heart and soul really needed, and found the space that I was craving.
My book, some calming tea, the wind blowing the aspens outside of my window. I needed a quiet moment, where I could just allow myself to be.
My heart has been feeling tender lately. It seems like a lot has happened over the past few weeks, and I am trying to process it all.
A few weeks ago, my mother (who lives so very far from me) underwent open heart surgery. It was frightening and left me feeling so helpless and small, and the truth is, is that I am still dealing with it. Feelings of loss, feelings of time fleeting, feelings of loneliness. Who do you share your truest feelings with, when the person you once counted on, is not able to be there in that way anymore? I miss that connection with her, so much.
On top of this, I have been coming to terms with the fact that we are leaving our beloved territory, the Yukon. I have talked at great lengths about this here, yet, still deep inside, I feel a sense of loss, as we begin to move forward from this very special time in our lives. I feel as though I am desperately trying to hold onto the memories that I have from here. The sights, the views, the friends, those moments in time. I understand that new beginnings are good, and that it is not healthy to hold onto the past, but still ... my heart does not want to let go. Not yet.
And so here I am. Two more days left here in Beaver Creek, and I well up with tears when I think about it. For so long, I wanted to leave this difficult and isolated place, and now I cling to the memories and feelings of this community. There is so much that I want to capture still.
My plans for the next two days are to take pictures and to walk the trails that I have done for the last two years. I want a picture of us all in front of our house, and I want a pregnancy shot of me and the fireweed that is in bloom right now. It's important that my heart says a proper goodbye.
This week I did my best to find joy and happiness in the most simple of things.
If there is one thing that I learned to do while I've lived  here in Beaver Creek, it is to enjoy the very simplest of life's pleasures. Like making bread. I made four loaves this week. Or reading my book, with a travel mug full of coffee, while watching the kids at their swimming lessons. The simple things, like walking our loop on the firebreak, keeping our eyes open for fairy houses and mushrooms And picking a bouquet of abundant fireweed flowers, and then displaying them in my living room.
Today I am feeling tender, and I am honouring those feelings. It's part of the process, I keep reminding myself.


  1. Are you reading North of Normal? I picked it up last night thinking of you so we could read it together.

  2. Oh, such a beautifully written post. I hope your mother will be well again. I love your use of the word 'tender' - it is perfect.


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