past, present, love and growing old

Oh hello. Yes, I am still here. I don't get to blog as much as I used to, that's for sure, but when I do get the chance to, I always feel as though I am "coming home" to my little safe place. The place I keep all my thoughts, memories, feelings...it feels good to write it all down.
I just returned from a short but very important trip to see my 90 year old Grandmother. She lives on her own in a tiny apartment in a town about 4 hrs away from Ottawa called Lindsay. It is alway important that I make the trip to see her when I return to Ontario, and so that's what Winslow and I did. We packed up the kids and made the trip to see her, and it was so special.
My Grandmother amazes me to no end. She has lived such a full life and continues to live a full life still. She is a mother to four children, a grandmother to eight and a great grandmother to seven!
She goes to church, drives herself around town, bakes for visitors and the church, remembers everyone's birthdays and continues to learn about the world around her with an open mind and heart. She has impeccable manners, the type that only come from years gone by sadly, and she has such class and charm. And despite being 90 years old and being much slower than she used to be, she went all out and made us an amazing full course dinner, all by scratch. Home made asparagus soup, rice, green beans, sweet and sour chicken and then a delicious strawberry and cream cake....oh it was so good and she put so much work into it. Winslow and I were so amazed by it all.
When I spend time with my Grandmother, I am reminded of so much. I get flooded with feelings of emotion and gratitude. Its hard to know when I will see her again and to know how she will be the next time I do see her, so I feel that I must really be in the present when I am with her. That I must savour each moment I have with her and take it all in. To be able to spend time with my Grandmother is such a gift. I feel grounded and as though I am connected to my personal history. I think back to what it was like for her as a young woman and I am reminded of how much the world has changed for her. I think about everything that she has taught me and get worried that I might forget some of those things. It's almost overwhelming all the feelings that I get when I'm with her.
I'm trying to write it all down right now because I never want to forget everything that I feel when I am with her. It's all in the details I think. The little things that remind me of her.....
... the tin of baked goods sitting on her freezer ... the familiar and happy memories I feel when I taste her famous sugar cookies ... the old pictures that she has of Grampy (her husband) hanging on her walls, I never met him but I feel so much love and pride for him ... her clothes that hang in her closet, she has such style and always looks so good ... the way she brings out "her best" china, the china that she picked out when she was 17 years old, hand painted Spode bone china with little blue forget-me-nots and rose buds ... the way she sets the table, proper with sterling silver ware and bread plates and crystal wine glasses ... an old recipe used for dessert, watching Noah devour it (strawberry and whipped cream rolled inside of a light fluffy vanilla cake) ... a pot of tea is always waiting, hot on the stove ... beautiful wood furniture, the red velvet settee sofa with grapes carved into it. Oh there are so many things I want to keep in my mind.
I must be honest with myself. I have a fear that sadly it could be my last time that I get to see my Grandmother. I know that it is not good to speak like that, but it is the reality of it all. Our next visit to Ontario will be in one year... and I wonder... but instead of thinking like that, I just want to be completely in the present with our time together. I want to bottle it up and take note of all the wonderful moments that we had together.
I'm off for now....more later
xox