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Friday, September 18, 2009

We are three

Today is our last weekday together as a "new" family. Papa returns to work on Monday and it's fair to say that none of us are looking forward to it. In preparation of this not so happy turning point we decided to make the most of our last week together. We did as much and as little as we wanted and enjoyed every minute of it. Walks by the beach and through Locke St., a breakfast at Chez Cora's, trips to Home Depot and IKEA, naps and cuddles were had by all. It's been lovely to have had this special time together.
Over the past few weeks life has changed so much for Winslow and I. We went from being just the two of us to now "being three". Sometimes we catch ourselves just staring at Noah in complete amazement, inspecting his tiny face and listening to his quiet breaths. I just want to take in everything about him and engrave it into my memory so that I never forget these first precious days and moments. Sometimes I am moved to tears by this whole experience. How can I put into words how I feel about this boy?
Having a baby has not only changed me as a person but how I see the world as a greater place. Now, every time that I see another Mama with her baby I think about how she must love that baby so so very much, just as I do with Noah. I look to see how that Mama steals loving glances at her babe and I understand how she feels. It is beautiful and I am thankful.
This time last year a very difficult thing happened to Winslow and I. At 13 weeks I experienced a missed miscarriage, a pregnancy that never developed into a baby. The kicker is that it happened on my birthday, Sept. 25th. At that point in time there was no way that I could find any fair reason why this would happen to us. I was heart broken and hit a low that I had never felt before in my life. I thought it was some kind of cruel joke and would wake up from my sleep hoping that it had all been a bad dream, but it wasn't.
It took a long time for Winslow and I to heal our hurt. We both had lost a dream of having a baby in our lives and we spent a lot of time together dealing with our feelings. It is only now that I can look back on this difficult chapter of our lives I see that something very good came of it. In those dark days I found a strength from within that I hadn't experienced before and I found a strength from my husband that I had never witnessed before either. We became even closer than we had before and we stood together to face our sadness.
I'm not sure if it is right to say that our miscarriage was a test from God, but I do know that he had greater plans for us. He wanted Noah to be our baby and only a few months after my miscarriage I became pregnant with our sweet little babe. It was hard, but we had to say good bye to one dream of a baby to be able to allow another baby into our lives and hearts.
Sometimes we are faced with hardships that are way beyond our understanding, one year ago we were in that situation. I remember having many conversations with my mom during those days and she kept sharing one particular saying with me over and over again, it was LET GO AND LET GOD. This saying gave me a lot of comfort during those days and I often return to it when I feel that things are getting out of control in my life. Remembering that I am not the one who controls what happens in my life is comforting, it's like having a heavy weight taken off my shoulders. I am so glad that we chose to let our hurt go and to trust that we were going to be taken care of, because we were and now "we are three".

1 comment:

  1. A beautiful post. So tender and from the heart! Having a baby is the greatest joy! You have so many amazing moments ahead of you with your special little boy. I'm sorry for the difficult time you went through after your miscarriage but i'm happy to hear that you have emerged stronger, wiser and more connected as a family then ever.


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